Some guy posted on the Stoicism sub about getting Crohns. Says now he feels angry all the time. I felt so bad reading that. The more I've read about IBDs and the like, the more I've come to realise that living with these conditions must be hellish for the people who have them. :( 

I've never wondered about this before a couple of years ago but the more I've tried to educate myself on it, the more it feels so fucked up to live with. 

Sometimes life just makes you angry na. Like... Whatever nags at you internally eventually can overpower everything unless you work on it. That sucks but it exists. I do feel bad about this, truly. There's so much strife in the world. And it's a lot to handle. 

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I hate that feeling of helplessness that accompanies the realisation that you can't take away someone's pain or just magic it away. I wish I could. Hmmm. Sucks, ngl. 

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I guess at the core of it all, why I always forgive everyone no matter what and why I have such difficulty in trying to keep score etc is that deep inside there's a part of me that's afraid what the world will look like when the people I love are gone. I view life through the lens of love and people. Why I have felt like ambition etc is low key meaningless as a quest in its core too. Not meaningless maybe but temporary and fleeting. Maybe that's how I give life meaning idk. But it's always felt like the most honest part of me. Even today it does. So someone just fix everyone around me and make them be sweet and sensible and take care of themselves cuz fuck I know some crazy people lmao. Sheesh. Even worry about them when they aren't around cuz why tf not. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 All fucking lunatics.