It's interesting to see so many people dress up for festivals. I've never had any desire to participate in any lol. Even today, I'm like a grouch just hiding away from it all lol. I guess I can't make myself do anything that my heart is not set on. It's a weird internal stubbornness that I've come to accept. Haha. Like me accepting it is of utmost importance lol. Its like I just don't understand one large part of humanity. 

I was just revisiting the grand inquisitor also coincidentally and I'm Ivan through and through. Even there I have loads of bones to pick with dosto lol. I feel like a huge fundamental flaw in his work is that he is a reluctant believer. So was Kierkegaard and they all spun around in circles trying to rationalise belief or rather their own desires to believe. Hehe. Well, not Kierkegaard in the same way as dosto but like... Idk I feel this man's anguish in his works and it makes me sad but also makes me wonder how he didn't just understand that you can be good for the sake of being good. That you can accept the universe as is, and choose to define your role in it. I think the Stoics were practical in that sense. Hmmmm. 

It's a good backdrop. Watching people dressed up and be festive and ponder wtf was dosto all about haha. 

~

Paradoxical it may be, but I value the importance of prayer and belief and the role in plays in people's lives. I think it's very important to feel loved and secure and know that someone somewhere cares to protect you. There's a lot of good in that. I don't feel it needs to be transactional in that hey I'll be good so pls gimme reward. I think if you can breathe deep and act from a place of security and acceptance about your own self, you can choose to do right for others without thinking it diminishes your own resources. It's a very unfinished thought. But it's not like rn I have the time to finish it I gotta go put on a smile and exchange niceties lol. 

Cheers to the believers. You are all sinners but it's nice to see you all pretend otherwise hehe.