Missing someone sucks. It really does. 

Ehhhh.

Idk. Whatever. Blah. Ugh.

~ 

Naro's passing has made me feel very freaked out. The shock has gone away now but like... Idk dude. These chess peeps sometimes just seem so paranoid and crazy and idk I just hope the one I'm thinking of isn't the self harmy type. I also know he didn't like Naro so probably it didn't matter to him who knows. Maybe he didn't care at all. Heh. I don't know why but I always assume he is devoid of empathy. 

~

Lol, nvm. Putting up masks and all, seems to be having fun. Guess I was right, it likely doesn't matter to him. Whatevs. Never one to disappoint lol. Sometimes I wonder if he has ever cared about anyone. And some other times I feel like him and his friends probably just make fun of all this and all the stuff that's wrong with the world currently. Who can tell, not me for sure. 🤷‍♀️ 

How I yearned to see some semblance of purity in his soul only to find just deep callousness? How old fashioned of me to even want to glimpse purity lol. Silly asf quest. People always disappoint, it's in our nature after all. Biggest tragedy of my life that I simply can't seem to accept that. I suppose I shouldn't forget how mean all this was and how awful it made me feel. Still does, on the few occasions that I let myself think of it. And in light of what this year has turned the world into, it feels infinitely worse. People who teach their friends to leverage colour in order to get women interested in them are just... Idk bro. Scummy asf. And I should really not forget how easy it was for him. Along with all that hiding women etc. 

Idk dude. Watching how K went on and on and even made jokes after danya passed was an unreal experience like there's such an empathy void in him, and he is so evil that even someone dying isn't enough to stop him. Seeing that makes me scared. People like that just exist. Damn. Yeah, I think simply not engaging with someone that refuses to be considerate is the way to go. All this constant vigilance and this waiting for niceness etc it's just too lame and taxing and what even is the point of that. That guy died waiting for someone to be kind to him man. That's what has freaked me out so much. And that person simply jokes when he passed like... And this person also didn't care when someone in my family passed never even asked how she was nothing...  

Constant exposure to this will make anyone completely forget what niceness even feels like. I don't want that. Let people choose their ego, fuck it. My turn of making an effort is over, never again. Let's just call it a wrong turn in life and chuck it.

~

Cheers to halloween and not giving a shit about anything or anyone. I used to think that ability was a superpower, now I just feel sorry for people like that. 

What a sorry state of affairs that I have to intentionally remind myself of shitty things just so I don't ask someone hey how you given that someone died. Except it's not like they asked me ever so that's the shitty point I need to hold on to. Curb your enthusiasm indeed. Whatever. Fucking inhumane low.