Man... I just...I really crave the assurance of trust. Just to be able to relax in the knowledge and comfort of it. 

I suppose some people just turn the idea of it into you being the sitting duck... Like hey they let their guard down now we can exploit. One of the bigger mistakes I've made all along is assuming people will change. I have to accept they don't. 

Anyway, finding that stable ground is one of the biggest desires of my life. All this hyper vigilance etc will melt away the minute I feel like there's firm ground to walk on. I guess somewhere down the line taking as many hits as I did has made me stubborn about this point but I suppose that's fine. It's not like I'm losing out on anything by feeling this way. I'd rather just be cautious and not callous with myself. Rest will align itself as it must. Heh. I want something nice to call my own and I don't want to dilute the nice part. I hope someday I can look back and appreciate the fact that I actively sought that.