A sea of tributes that I've been reading on and off all day have me so choked up. It's a festive time here, there's crackers in the air, people lighting stuff up and yet, I feel so hollow and weird. It's not like I expect anyone to understand this either. 

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The suddenness of it all, the fact that across the last few years I've always had some passive observations about him all to just culminate into this is so gut wrenching. It's such a sudden full stop, it just feels unreal. I recall his podcast with fabi and how weary he looked. I found it so concerning. And I used to always feel like bruh don't let this stuff get to you. It's not some show, it's real life and I suppose that's the differentiator, seeing an actual human being go through this and decline was so bad. I even remember seeing his play decline and thought it was concerning. Damn dude. I remember being vehemently opposed to the idea of him letting that shitstain Krams try to match against him cuz he was using it all for attention and clout. Fucking unhinged narcissist. Even seeing his reaction and the speculation and bullshit he spewed after news broke was one of the most vile things I've ever come across. Hard to even understand how such malignancy can exist. 

Damn. That part makes me mad. But I suppose it's anger a large part of the community feels. 

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It's a testament to how kind and sweet he was that almost everyone except the obvious bad faith actor are all pouring out their grief and support and love. Very rarely have I seen such overwhelming positivity towards a person and yet I can't help but think how pointless it is and how much better it would have been if he was still around man. Shit. Bad faith actors notwithstanding, like fuck it if some folks hate you, focus on ones who love you man. Fuck. Nothing in the world is worth doing this to yourself. Life is so much more precious than a fucking gameee dude like maaaan. Life is worth living even if people around you are shitty from time to time. Krams, giri, nepo... They are just fucking snakes dude like why just why think or care about them fuck. They were just jealous of his success those petty fucking losers. 

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In the end, why didn't the love and support matter? Some of us crave for acknowledgement, and care, but he had that, and friends who cared and loved him and checked on him, a community that overwhelmingly loved him too so like... Idk man. I wish what I fear isn't true but most of all I wish this was simply some nightmare and not real life. :(  

Almost everyone who knew him and knew of him in the world has tears in their eyes today Danya, and I just wish (and I'm sure as do most others) that we could rewind and he would be around again. He had his entire life and such a bright, beautiful future ahead of him man damn. I can't stop thinking about how his mum and brother might feel, shit dude. 

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Narcissistic abuse is the worst. My heart breaks for people who have to endure and even more for those who succumb to it. But you must must must always tell them to fuck off. Never give in to that. :(

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I hope that every person I love, have loved, and will love in the future knows that they can bank on me and rely on me if something happens, if they need someone to talk to, or just need some strength and support. I shall be there without judgement. And I hope even the assholes that I've given my heart to carry that knowledge in their back pocket as they make their way around the world being assholes. As much as I disagree with their policy of being an asshole, I refuse to be one to them in retaliation. I may be tough, but I am fair asf and most importantly I care and always will. Fuckers. 

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