Interesting

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/M8nVSR0eQt

This is so eye opening. I never quite grasped how much people get screwed up over the years. Being in a relationship and still feeling this way sounds so stressful. I sometimes sense this trait in Di as well. The weird paranoia when someone hasn't spoken to them for a bit. 

I have avoided calling her after my granny's funeral. The way she behaved - the entire arm twisting thing, the fact that I could sense she was trying to make me call her and that she didn't even relent with that selfish shit after sending me those texts two fucking hours after my granny's funeral like. Even the... I'll leave you alone until you are ready to reach out. It just felt like being controlling while seeming to give space but in the end there was an ultimatum there that I simply did not want to adhere to or clean up. 

Idk man. I think it's weird for friends to make you feel like they want to have a chokehold over you. And it's weird to want to give ultimatums to friends in this way. And I know me avoiding it is also not exactly the best way to tackle it but mentally I just feel exhausted beyond belief at the thought of even addressing this. I'm not able to articulate it correctly either. It's not that I wish to be mean or unsupportive it's just... Well there are a bunch of things I simply dislike. I like friendships to be strong but also easy going. You should be able to take each other for granted in some way, esp as you grow older. It isn't highschool. And being there for each other in the right way is important. I didn't even hear from her after the funeral because let me guess... It's my job to reach out. The fact that she waited that one week for me to travel back home and then instantly thought since I didn't say anything she can give me ultimatums just seemed so selfish and shitty. It was so uncaring towards me. Normal people just ask how you are, try to show you concern. That's what I sense is lacking. It's mostly just hey you didn't do xyz my way so now I'm just going to bide time until you solve your shit and I get what I want. 

Hmmm. I guess I don't feel safe or even any empathy with her. Not just for me but for everyone. The way she exposed her own grandmother to covid without thinking it's unsafe then later saying oh I hope I didn't etc was very jarring. The way she talks about her husband who she says she loves but then says hey I didn't find all I wanted. The fact is that I know she won't be happy for me if I am happy, she will just feel bad she didn't find what she wanted etc. It's just ... Idk bro. Are all people shitty or do I just entertain the ones that are for far too long? I'm not sure. But I definitely am responsible for some of it. Knowing where to draw lines and where to hold them is not something I've learnt too well. I guess I should not rely on other people doing right by me, I should just be able to discern where genuineness lies and nurture only those equations that have them. 

Granny's death was so eye opening tbh. I realised that as distant as I've been with family, a part of me simply loves them unconditionally. I guess I always will too. I like being the person people rely on. But also a person people show care to. That is important to me now. And I see who is there for me and who isn't and the part of me that used to feel a lack simply isn't even bothered by the ones that aren't. It just feels like why? Maybe that's why I'm not really wanting to reach out to Di either. I don't want dysfunctional equations or ones where I just feel used.

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Every conflict isn't the end of the road nor are things so unfixable that you can't simply reach out and be nice and facilitate the conflict to resolving. But giving ultimatums then backing off is weird and I get it comes from a place of fear but fear is not something that should enter in equations that are solid and if it is, then you need to tackle it. Adding ego to things is just another way to mask insecurity but in the end you have to not be so selfish that you only think of yourself. It's a very isolating experience to be around people who are selfish and I kinda just don't want that. I want to feel safe and happy and appreciated with people especially as I take care of them too. And I have started feeling like I deserve it hehe. Like someone being sweet and nice and caring and all the good stuff. I think I deserve that. Unprompted. Haha. 

That just it really. I'm usually all in when I care but I suppose I have to do that next when the other person makes an effort too. 

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