Don't feel good today at all. :(

Just tired and grossed out and low key annoyed. Lol. And I know that the bottom line is me feeling sad is not going to count at all. Just want to say so much more but then again it'll just be read at some point maybe and I'll know it and it'll just underline the fact that me feeling bad is of no consequence. What a lovely mock. ♥️ 

Blah... I should just write this off like I have so many other things like what even is the point? Fuck it, not worth it. No cure for shitty behaviour. And I'm not letting myself feel this way ever again. Lol. How many times have I even reached this point? Pathetic, shame on me. 

Refering to women of my ethnicity as holes dude. Fucking sad the kinda stuff that makes him 'uncomfortable' vs the stuff that simply doesn't. Ugh. Sickening. And they are all his close friends so I guess he is the same as them. I know I'm just mad right now but honestly it makes me legit question his ethics whenever I see stuff like this cuz it happens only around him. And it's just not even in the ballpark of decent. Sorry but it's just not. How else am I supposed to view it? Just feels like they have a nice group chat where they keep trying to degrade women at times and who knows maybe I've also been one of them. I would not be surprised at any of this anymore. 

I just feel so dirty even thinking about any of it. I'm fed up and I don't want to and I will not follow anyone down these dirty roads I don't care. 

~~

Aaaaaa!

He should be ashaaaaamed of himself dude. Completely. I mean it. There's so much I could say but I'm not because it's heat of the moment for me and I don't want to be rash, but honestly man... I'm just so ashamed of him right at this moment. His bff telling elderly ladies to kneel in a room of 50 guys clothes optional is something I thought was the worst thing I'll ever witness but here we are, another contender to outdo that. And all are his close personal friends. Saying this stuff to someone's mom. You all say this stuff openly so I don't even know how much worse it gets when it's just you all. And I don't want to know either. If anyone in my life knew that I know someone who indulges and participates in this behaviour, they would be shocked and disgusted with me. Just as I am rn with myself. 

Fuck man. I know he had a long day and it's not like he said it but still there has to be some level that's maintained like wtfff. That is his responsibility noone else's. Only his name and face on that screen so should he not get how it reflects on him? What piss poor judgement. Get some goddamn mods who do their work not that idiot who tells women shit and links porn like wtf. There, I said it. Blah whatever. Fuck this shit and this low quality bullshit. 

~~~~

Ok time to brush this off. It's a bright sunny day, let's get some good work done. Aaand some rapid. Finally gotta begin. 

~

God bless lichess's elo system 2 games and I'm already up 50 points. Hope I don't lose out of sheer giddiness.