Thrice I have written, rewritten and then deleted something. Purely out of a sense of not wanting to say something rash and hurtful. I'm always trying to toggle between saying what I think v the subjective cost of doing so and at times it's a hard choice cuz the part of my mind that's bent towards fairness sometimes seems to overtake all subjectivity. Still. So let me attempt to construct my thoughts in a milder way. 

Watching that stream the other day made me want to ask this guy how he would feel if he were to watch a creator whose chat mocks say a certain community, says derogatory things about people of certain ethnicities, and the host's friends and bff are all turking to link demeaning pics and memes of said ethnicities over and over and the host does nothing except occasionally take some money as recompense. Were he to watch a stream like that, what impression would he have of the host? And would he be willing to give them benefit of the doubt or simply lump them all together?Because this is how it feels at times to be a woman and watch what he terms a 'show'. There's a lot of belittling behaviour complete with porno links, adultery...what have you, which is all essentially just demeaning women. In the end what people say around you will always end up being a reflection of who you are. A few questions to honestly ponder. It's the same belittling and condescending behaviour I have witnessed time and again both personally and publicly. I gave up on any hope of decency or kindness on a personal front after the night I accidentally dialled when I was grieving my grandmoms death and later realised he knew that but actively avoided me. That was quite a gutting realisation ngl. But it should not be a lot to ask for his friends to not refer to women as holes publicly, however they may speak to each other and to him in private. Atleast that bit should not be off the table. 

Blah. Anyway.  💀 

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I'm aware of the amount of care I'm taking for someone who continues to be oh so inconsiderate to me. Heh. Thing with choosing to hurt people... Eventually they will just stop caring. And I don't see why I should be on the receiving end of bad behaviour and be the one to reach out always. If he can't even say a simple hi on his own let alone an apology for that horrid statement his friend made, then I suppose I won't either, it's not worth it to me to always cater to what comes across as ego,arrogance and complete lack of accountability. I may be wrong but this is how it seems. And even that isn't really good enough, this is just no way to behave and I'm not looking for some bare minimum bs. You can't just spend time minutely reading my thoughts when you want and then act this way to my face. Like what positives are you adding to my life? And why should I trust you? Why should I be kind and caring and then just be met with meanness in return? Another question to ponder lol. So this time I won't be the one making an effort, and if that's the end of the road then so be it. Esp as I know he would be aware I'm upset so this is just the same... Eh idk. I don't wanna think about that day again. Anyway, there's a tiger behind him not an ostrich so at some point he should actually understand what it stands for. This whole hiding behind ego bs is too lame, sorry.🙄 Learn to do what's right. Ugh. Why tf is he so batshit crazy like bc it's so hard to not yell at him at times who tf acts in this stupid ass way then acts oh so aloof like ohhh look at me I'm so nonchalant. Wooohoo whistle whistle. Sheesh. And I'm a idiot for catering to it also god knows why I have that stupid soft corner for this absolutely fucking mockery. 

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However, I shall persevere in my quest to be zen. UGH.  And no, he has to figure it out on his own this time. Not relenting. 

And I guess it's time to let the negativity go and not always hold on to bad stuff. Let there be room for good stuff too. I guess that's a decent way to look at things.