Leap of faith

Aiyoooo. I hope he didn't feel bad cuz I was annoyed ugh. Now I feel guilty. Ughhhh. Ugh. Fine I'll just slip in a sorry tomo. Make sure he knows. Ugh. Subtlety not even my strong suit and now I have to figure out how to because for some reason he will also need to be like wuuut meeee nooo neverrr didn't see a thingggg. Lol. I mean he features in it all the time so like why would I mind in the first place? Only mind randos, obv not him. He should know that by now. And I do stand by what I said. It's an odd choice to make to check up on me behind my back but then be uncaring from time to time to my face. That's not fair at all. You should not be trying to hoax me so much, it's weird. When I pull back is also when I start to feel like I'm not being given importance and that's fair too because when was the last time he asked... Hey how have you been or anything about me? Simply never. It's sometimes just scary to me how he simply never thinks of that, very red flag scary. I do not want to normalise this behaviour and I will step away from anyone who makes me feel like that. Life is simply too short for making room for narcissistic behaviour, which this sometimes feels like. Because I do not know how to compute 200+ views in less than 12 days while using the word 'uncomfortable' when I asked for a conversation. It's not right. 

Anyway, too many crazy people he meets during work, I see that. And it's great he can be accepting of it etc. But while I can empathise with people, I will not live my life that way or follow anyone along if they choose to become like that. And I cannot be pulled into some false sense of security either, sorry. Lying, cheating, deception ... None of this is my doing and I am not playing along with that. You can leave if that's all you bring to the table. 

But anyway, that's being too serious and such, so blah. Keep it easy. 

~

The easy version: 

Idk how both of us are adults but both will do childish bs. I also end up doing silly shit all the time why only blame him. Lol. Ughhhh. Ok I feel baddddddddddd. Aaaaaaaa. I'm sorryyyyyyyy ugh. 

~

Hehe. I also have to tell him if he were anything other than a chess player I would never have spoken to him lol. That's actually so fucking true shit. It never occurred to me that if he weren't exactly who he is I would simply not have said a word cuz he would never have struck me as special. But that boy I saw singing along to backstreet boys nary a care just absolutely made a place in my heart hehe. Guess that's why I feel affection too. And I still have to apologise. Cursesssss

~

Sometimes I wonder why in all this madness my first concern is to tell the person hey don't worry about me, I'm right here and I'd like you to rest easy and you are always welcome with me etc. But then I realise that I also miss him when he isn't around so I suppose I know why haha. Unlike him I won't pretend like I don't though, my ego isn't at all diminished just cuz I care about a person. Fuck it, will dote on him lots until he rests easy.  And I hope this is a right choice. Hehe. Look forward to it.