I realised I've started pulling back without any notice. I've never done that before with anyone. And to me, I feel justified always cuz I feel I do that when I'm very hurt. But I was wondering how it might come across and is it also kinda stressful for the other person. I've never had to wonder this before tbh cuz it's literally never happened before with anyone else. But I don't like that it's become a pattern. All this was also predicated on me thinking he doesn't give a shit etc and he keeps acting like he doesn't. But if he does, then for sure my behaviour also must be hurtful. Hmmm. Is it? I guess even I've been seeing things only from my pov. 

Anyway, I don't think it is going to happen with anyone else cuz honestly most people understand how to bring balance and simple things like reaching out on their own isn't hard for most people. A strange anomaly in that it's very uncharacteristic of me to also behave aloof. Hmmm. It is stressful for sure but idk what to do also. I'm not wrong in expecting them to do their bit and be nice. Maintaining equations is a two way street but well. I suppose since he always has random women catering to him, it's easy to get attention so it's possible he doesn't value anyone's. Easy come, easy go probably. But then why should I give a shit. I guess it's best I stay away if that's the case anyway. Not like I wanted some dramatic chase or someone begging me to be around but it can't always boil down to a struggle for bare minimum. Whatever man... If someone doesn't appreciate me, then I have no reason to stay or do anything further either. See there I go again building on the idea that this person doesn't care. Hmmm. If I'm wrong and they do, then I have to accept that this push pull is also partly my fault. Granted this time around it came by because of that awful thing his friend said. But all other times even I acted out of fear and such. Crap. 

And on top of it he had read all those wailings all the time but still stuck around and I'm sure they must have hurt him also. We are both kinda mocked in this tbh. Lol. Funny to think about how many times some random ass miscommunication+ over communication must have happened. A comedy of errors and terrors. But the idea that I also must have hurt him suuuucks. And that ass is super sensitive also. 

And it's not okay to freeze someone out. For both of us to do that I mean. It's hurtful to me when he doesn't reach out but seeing how much he acts out when I'm not talking then it must be to him also. Aaaaaa shit. Why am I realising this only today?

Crap. Crap. Crap. 

Sucker punched by perspective. 💀

And he couldn't tell me he knows either. Mocked and how. What a dodo man. Should have just fessed up and it would have been normal and I also would not have so liberally waxed poetic. Haha talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Well darling, that part was of your own doing. Now that I know I'll be a lot more cognizant that he can peek once in a while and be a bit more considerate in my wailings. 

Well, my goal was always to be honest here no matter what. And being considerate towards him is a part of that because I honestly want to be as well. So if that means tempering the wails so they aren't hurtful to him then I'm happy to embrace that going forward. Can't change the past but I'll try to be nice henceforth. First time in my life I'm choosing to give a space to someone in my sanctuary. They didn't ask for it, they just sauntered in, but now that they have they can stay and I'll try to make it a pleasant experience. 

~

And I see that friend of his playing a shit ton these last few days I hope he is okay. Idk. 

~

Ok but what should I do now lol. Someone needs to tell me how to be an adult I fear at times I really don't know how to. 

~ 

I kinda wanna wait for him to reach out this time around though. I have made room for a lot of not so great behaviour and it's not expecting a lot. Let's see. Hmmm. God I hate these stupid ego battles they are so unnecessary. I'll break the ice this time. Having said that, I do believe I will pull back for good if I am met with inconsideration here on out. I can't give benefit of doubt in lieu of actions that count. I find it hard to trust that I'm safe with him currently and I won't bring down those barriers until he earns that place in my life. Or someone else can take that place.