Circles

There was a time when I tried to understand something. I guess I can't help but want to be sure of certain things in life. Whether I need to watch my back with someone or I don't. I don't like the idea of being like a sitting duck lol. But lately I wonder if it's worth it if you actually have to think this much about someone's actions or not. There's no point in being unsure all the time. Can't play hope chess with life. Lol. And there's no real point in grappling in the dark, I prefer solidity over that. Because in the end, a long dark road isn't one I'm willing to traverse, I shall change direction if it doesn't get better. 

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There's so much more to me than just a very narrow view of the most existential, meandering, sometimes silly, sometimes painful vocalisations that don't really do justice to the other 23 hours in a day which are spent doing the mundane. I never think about a lot of that as it's just general life. So many conversations that don't really get spoken of because being in the midst of them is what counts but keeping a record of it isn't really noteworthy. But I believe the focus has been heavily skewed into what's too dostoevskyish in nature in its quest but isn't really a solid reflection of the generic average, everyday life I lead. Where I like to work, laugh, do my workout, read something good, try to learn something new and sleep lol. Sneak in a croissant once in a while. Where I realise on a regular Thursday that my vocabulary and style of speech is similar to a 50yo British man and I chuckle to myself at how that's been a one constant that rarely ever gets to see light of day. In waking life you would sound absurd to others if you used words like marvellous and so you have to always supress the first thought and recalibrate. Lol. So I don the roles expected of me, never fully being myself. Guess I'm used to that odd duck feeling. Apart from that, it's not fancy nor is it anything irregular. Fairly tame infact. And I don't want fancy either. I like hardwood. Heh. Solid, longevity, built to last, classy but never in your face and never ostentatious. Sensible in its essense. When you correct your own priorities, you feel that groundedness as well. It's not that tasks get easier, just that your grit gets stronger. 

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I guess you never really know someone unless you know someone. Me included. Guess I'm just a normal, average woman. Who likes to read and write and listen to music like a billion others. Heh. I like that though. It's not out of the world, but it is solid. And I guess on balance I atleast try to be good so that should count. Hehe. So I guess this window is just that. A window into a highlight reel of the aches and pains that I suppose most people also have. Not to mention my knee jerk complaints that I was lavishly elaborating on, nary a care. To be fair it was meant only for me. I do not wish to do an apology tour in the future for it coming off as insensitive which I'm sure it does at times. 😔💀

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Idk. Am I losing the will to write? There are long gaps in my writing because I felt like I simply had nothing to say. And the last couple of years I had a shit ton of it. Took me a while to process, unpack and unlearn a lot of things.  I feel myself shedding and distancing from all that now, wanting to build new things, and generally feel my old happy self trotting along daily. I used writing as a crutch I suppose. But I don't want it to be just that anymore though. And now as I close that chapter of angst and insecurity and what have you, I also find myself not really having anything of note to say lol. Have we come a full circle? 

Hmmm. Well, maybe the things I say need to change and grow. It might feel unfamiliar at first, but why not try? Yep. Let's just draw some more lines and see where that takes us.