Hehe. I knew his job doesn't allow him to reach out on his own so it was the first time in my life I ever said hello to someone. Meg made me otherwise I wouldn't have tbh. Funny thing is, I didn't even use insta till just a year before that and even then I never shared it with anyone irl cuz fuck that social media shit. Even now I just have some 5-6 friends on it and idc about it. My social presence is more reddit and yt driven lmao. Even so, I waited for months until I was sure he also would like to say hi. If I'd known him a year earlier, I actually would have never had a way to say hi cuz I was so snooty about never joining insta too. Lmao. We would have never ever met if I didn't start playing chess till late 2020 and then getting insta later like that's so crazy to think about. The odds were so slim. I remember being surprised he likes tennis too. The one sport I love, which barely anyone I know likes. I think I'd just only posted Rafa's AO win as my first post too. Ohhhh and he explained tennis to me like I was some noob hahahahhaa. Fuck. First time I was soooo mad at him. I don't think I ever told him that. Lmaooooo. Loved it. Innocent times. I remember being super surprised when he told me his dad and I share bdays too. This was soooo long back but it stuck out to me cuz noone have I shared bdays with all my life. Remember telling him my dad's is on 8th Jan. Like Elvis. Always bothered me that my dad gets Elvis and I got stupid Nick Carter haha. Possibly why it irritated me that he didn't wish, I'm sure he remembers this as much as I do. I wonder if he is close to his dad. He talks of his mom but never his dad so who knows. But yeah, parental equations can be tricky, I know that better than anyone.
Cut to now he is just dug in probably. Why is he such a weirdo man? Hehe, he is not but I just wanna call it that cuz seems benign and lets me let out my frustration at him. In my entire life I've never known someone to be so frustrating lol. Ugh. Why do I have such a giant soft corner for him? I don't understand it at all. Maybe it's the strange way that I met him, it all felt so... idk. Like a bit fated. Even now, it feels like that sometimes. And I pull back and hold back a lot I know, but I'm just trying to protect myself cuz I know that... Well I know that he is someone who can carve a niche for himself in my heart very easily without even trying. And I know how permanent that tends to be, and any person doing that has to bring niceness from their side else I'm going to be very vulnerable.
At my core, I think I'm just an innocent soul who wants to believe in the best in people. But those people should also see that in me and show me they care.
Time will tell though, if saying hi was a good decision. I don't regret it at all. But after all this time, I guess if he can't bring himself to say a single hello on his own then who knows? It's been eroding my trust slowly and one day maybe I'll just be indifferent to it. But that's a sad note and life is long so I hope it doesn't come to that. Upwards, mon cherie.
Ps - I miss you lots. I wish I could talk to you and tell you that for reals. And I'll also scold you a lil bit for making me cry :(
Lol ok pivot haha. That's all.
No comments:
Post a Comment