Hurt

That Christmas scene in Harry Potter keeps haunting me. 

Being out in the cold while looking into a window where people are warm and happy and all I can do is look. 

Ugh. Ever since I can remember, this has been the one defining memory that always made me feel like an outsider and today after so many goddamn years I feel exactly this way. :(

I'm just so hurt I can't even idk. I want to run away. Fuck I feel so fucking bad rn. It's all crashing down on me and it feels just so sick. 

I hate this feeling. I hate it. And I simply don't want to be out in the cold all the time, I'm just so done with this bullshit. And I never, ever want to feel this way again. 

Damn. Of all the twists and turns life can put you through, I never thought I'd be feeling the way I am today. And I'm genuinely just tired.

All I ever fucking wanted to do was make you smile and you just... You fucking asshole you absolute fucking asshole. For once I just want to cuss you out so bad and even now the words don't form because I can't let myself be mean to you even though in this very moment I so want to be. And I want to hate you so bad. I really do. 

Fucking bullshit.

Tomo is another day, I'll pick myself up then. Tonight, I'm gonna cry my eyes out and hopefully this shitty feeling abates.