Belief

Lying awake at 3 am. Wonder why sleep isn't arriving today. I don't know. Reading the newsletter JB started, he talks about finding self belief in a stressful situation. It was nice to read tbh. Very honest. I did not know he feels that level of self doubt, but it's great that he is open to talking about it. I feel that in your low moments in life is when you can actually find clarity too. That's the silver lining of being in a low place. 

From the beginning of this year, I'd been feeling crappy, frustrated, sad. The realisation that I hadn't felt a moment of kindness or acknowledgement or sweetness in ever so long was very gutting. But in that painful memory, also lay the realisation that it's an essential ingredient that I cherish and want as a part of my life. It may have been hurtful but it also revealed to me that what I had never expected for most of my life because I never felt like I deserved it, had now transmuted to " hey, I want this, why tf isn't it present? ". A simple question, but one I hadn't ever asked before cuz I didn't think I deserved it. Well, now I know I do. 

Progress isn't linear, but as you slowly work through the blocks in your mind, it helps to remove the knots, and be more at ease with yourself. 

While I don't expect miracles, what I do know is going forward my stance is different, and so will be my choices. 

Hehe, I thank all those who pushed me to rock bottom, genuinely. It's the solid foundation I decided to rebuild myself on, and I'm happy about that. It's ironic that a raging narcissist set me on this journey, but the mirror they hold up - so desperate to devalue you, trying their hardest to keep you down, to pretend like you are below them...  The sad part of a narcissist is how they are so convinced that they are unlovable that they instantly think anyone who likes them must be looking to gain something out of them. It used to be so unreal to me, like that's true low self esteem. To think a person can like you simply for gain just means you think you have nothing of personal value in your own eyes. And then they weave an entire narrative around it, complete with jealousy and controlling behaviour and idk it's just sad. Shit. Even thinking of it now... That for some people it's impossible to imagine someone loving them for them. That's utterly heartbreaking. 

All that bullshit just backfires, cuz eventually you simply discover that you need better. And then all those games and behaviours just start seeming silly, and you see them for the broken souls they are.

And then Blink! You just get over it. Magic. ✨