Conditions

There is no such thing as unconditional love. Except maybe love mothers have for their babies. But in adulthood, no. 

Having said that, there's always people in your life you choose to care about. For me, once the choice is made, it's kinda permanent. I take a long time to commit, to open up, to admit that I care, but once I do, I stand by it. But in the end, it's never unconditional. You can't just treat me like shit and expect me to care in perpetuity for eg. A lot of people get this wrong. When they feel like they are getting love and attention, they just get used to it or take it for granted, exploit it, or just get arrogant about it. These are the people who end up alone eventually. It's a hollow feeling, once you know everyone around you is transactional and doesn't actually give a fuck. But you only have yourself to blame in those instances. Atleast that's how I see it. Any bond that exists between two people needs to be nurtured by both sides. And that's not even a  condition as such, it's just the nature of a firm foundation. You can't hammer it with carelessness and expect it to remain unscathed.  Lots of people I eventually walked away from, esp A, she feels that lack too. She tried many times over the years to reach out but by the time I decided to walk away I was so done that the idea of dealing with her again just seemed nightmarish. And we were friends for close to a decade before I called it quits. It wasn't hard to call it quits with Pranav either. After the way he treated me, it just was so brutal and unnecessary that I had no emotion towards him. I don't get people like these, but maybe it's cuz I'm very different from them. Plus even after telling him to leave me alone he just doesn't and it reached such a point of revulsion in me that I started finding him as scary and creepy as those average men who don't leave women alone despite being told to. It's horrid and I feel this country has a severe issue with men like that, they are a dime a dozen and don't seem to respect women at all. The only person I legit regret ever knowing tbh. Anyway, yuck. 

Atleast A is caring towards her own clan, whoever she considers under her wing, she does a lot for them. I'll definitely credit her with that. She keeps her family together as well and carries them forward. This is something all my women friends have in common. Maybe not Di. She doesn't seem to be in love, sadly. But that's a choice she made and to this day I feel it's unfair to her partner. Oh well, their stuff to sort out.

Even I am very protective and possessive of my own unit. I think more than anything I just want to now relax and feel at ease with the people in my life. No more turmoil, no second guessing anything, no drama. I hate drama and bs tbh. I like to be open and happy and laugh lots. There's no point in getting angry and having bad blood with someone. Life is too short for that. But yes, my inner circle will simply be accessed only by people I can trust, who build that trust with me. Suppose that's how it should  be. Anyway, there's a whole host of things that are negative in the world which you gotta deal with, your inner sanctum should not have strife. Peace 🕊️