Naivety

My friend says I'm just v naive. I think it's true. Like. Idk man. I think I'm just a horrible judge of character and have some weird tendency to see the best in people. I'm not sure what to do but it does nothing for my trust issues lol. Maybe need to have better filters but I don't really know how to create them. 

You know. My friends have such a harsh take on M. Say he is sexist, possibly racist etc. and I don't know dude. Like I don't want to be the kind of person who has to think these thoughts about someone. But at the back of my mind it's always striking my that his bff is a guy who calls black folks racist slurs and he chooses to hang out with him constantly. And my friends say it's just birds of a feather and that they might actually be very similar if they are friends. Which is usually true right. I mean, I wouldn't be friends with someone who degrades people unless I also enjoy doing the same. So idk what to think. And what that girl said... Maybe that's how they view women from other countries too right. I just never realised that might be how he must see me. Wow. Lol. This realisation just makes me sick to my stomach. 

Lol. All this is so sad man. And after all the care and affection I felt for him, it's just a bad taste in the end. I'm done getting my feelings hurt though. And honestly if someone has these racist notions towards me, they can fuck off. I don't need this demeaning, degrading shit in my life. It feels like the casteism that happens in India. Just feels so utterly gross. How can the spectrum for a person just be such that I can't actually find one single nice thing he has said or done for me? And it extends from this much pettiness to idk racism straight up?! That's not good. Much like his friend, he will consistently screw over people who had his back. Or maybe that's limited to just screwing over women. Even his friend has some severe issues with women despite the fact that it was a woman who raised him and his dad fucked him over. I don't think it's worth it in the end to just get screwed over the way he did me. And for no reason. He isn't the person I thought he was and being mean comes so easy to him that in the end he will never have my back. Actually no, I trust that he would screw me over and never come through even once. Lol. In that he has been nothing but consistent. Ironically, exactly like his friend who he holds dear. The guy who didn't hesitate to come by and openly talk about hitting on minors a day after that shitshow long back - just to taunt him and make fun of him in public, who denies knowing him to his racist buddies and in general hides the fact that he knows him to actual people he knows irl is his bff. One that openly tells an entire crowd of folks that his friends don't like him and think he is exploitative. All of which is just vindictive and deliberate. Karma. You hide the people who actually were loyal to you and the ones who aren't, are your closest friends. Lol. Well, good for you. 

In the end, it's who you chose, so good luck. 🤷‍♀️ And who you choose is always a reflection of who you are at the end of the day. So idk. Mirror mirror I suppose.

Meh... I'm not going to sit and sweat this any longer tbh. People always have a choice to do the right thing or not to do it and eventually you just gotta find ones who make the right choice for you. And I don't need the ones who don't. I don't care anymore.