Shit dude... I don't know what to think. The idea that someone might be viewing me with a lens that's so awful is so horrible I don't know how to release this thought from my mind. And yet, he is the same person that tells his friend to talk to girls in diff poor countries to get experience. I found it off then and now I realise it's cuz he must believe they'll be interested because of the diff in their nationalities. The idea that he can think I'm like that is so idk. I have never been subjected to this kind of bias. And yet, when push came to shove he assumed that I meant call me on insta which means he didn't think sharing his number with me was something he could do. A number he shares with every Tom Dick and Harry on his work but they are all white right. Lol. Fuck dude. To think someone can be so prejudiced and think of me with such prejudice and all this while I assumed we were friends. The fact is, he probably just thinks of me as those women he tells his friend to practice on, no investment, just returns types right. Fuck. How can someone be this horrid? How can someone just take my entire being and just put it in a trashcan like that? Lol. I'm so incredibly hurt. When I came across him for the first time, I was so wary. And he made me feel like I could relax which is why I even said hello. Why play me this way? I hope to god that he is an actual narcissist. That would be a lot better than him not being one and just being deliberate this way cuz idk what kind of monster you need to be to even treat someone like that. 

Idk what to do. I just feel so incredibly stabbed and this just hurts me if I even let myself think about it.

I have never been in this position in my life...never. but for the first time I feel so dirty... Like my insides feel dirty and gross and it just won't abate. 

Hmmm. Fuck it. I know my conscience is clear and I know how much niceness and care I genuinely showered on him. So at the end of the day, it's not my fault and it's not something I should make myself feel bad over. Next time, just have to make sure that respect is the cornerstone of any equation and friendship I cultivate. Life does have a way to bringing you unpleasant experiences, but at the very least find people who do right by you, I would do it for them, so I'm sure people like that do exist and I just need to ensure I'm respected from the start. Can't change the nature of the world, but you can choose who you include in your world.

Plus... I think I've taken enough hits. This is not worth it like I just. I don't think I've ever felt this horrible in my life.  

Edit:

Lol, found this pic and this is who I am. And I'll never let that change. 

Life's too short to let someone's views tarnish my inherent loving heart and one day someone worthwhile will receive all that I have to give and meet me the right way and be glad he did. And I will love you to the moon and back for ever and ever. ♥️