I finally got a fucking mat omg. After months of searching for the right kind. This makes me happy lol.

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Lunch was nice. I'm kinda struck by the dichotomy of the two worlds within India. This girl he married is sweet and old fashioned. Cooks etc for him and doesn't mind. Because she is okay with gender roles. He earns , she keeps house and family. He is a nice guy so it's not as if that would be a bad thing for her. He will support her where needed. And she seems very family oriented so that works out for him. In general most of these guys are very into their families so they have stay overs all the time etc. all this only works when people and families are nice lol. My dad's mum was so horrible that for us this was impossible. She was the single reason that destroyed my mom's peace and in turn all of us said fuck you to them all and left. So now it's just harder to give a shit about her and that side of the fam atleast. I find the idea of regressive and overly overbearing families very oppressive. My other cousins wild balk at the idea of all this...

I myself find it interesting from a distance but always very hyper aware that I do not belong in this kinda society or mentality nor have any intention of existing within it. So I maintain a firm distance. 

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Hmmm. The irony is, I'm myself a very supportive kinda person so championing people I love comes very naturally to me. I guess like this lady, that trait of mine can only stay intact when the right kinda man is by my side. Cunty men will just destroy this center and I see no value in treading in those zones. Heh. A bitchy grandmother set into motion a lifetime of avoidance of family and a distrust of these bonds. Which I don't fear now, but it took me so long to unlearn stuff and learn to trust myself. But yeah, slow suffocation or subservience is not the kind of life to live. Only commit when it feels natural and the equation feels supportive... I'm glad these glimpses allow me to atleast form an idea of what that looks like. That's good. Sometimes a different environment gives you perspective. 

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Part of the reason I gravitated towards J also was cuz he was sooooo nice to me. Like. That closeness, how much he leaned on me, that meant a lot. Hmmm. I didn't want to marry him, not by a long shot. He never features in my thoughts about the past. Probably because I knew right from the start that he wasn't and will never be the person for me. I wouldn't even have gravitated towards him had he not been nice tbh. But that closeness felt incredibly sweet and gentle. I discovered that I love that kind of intimacy. It feels safe. Ironically, it wasn't. Haha. Man. Maybe that's why I never think of him, betray me and we are done every which way. I honestly just couldn't care less about him now. 

I suppose closeness, sweetness towards me... is the one ingredient I do need to be very clear should be present from the start. I also need to feel proud of that person in some shape or form. Both things are important to me. And then all else we can figure. Well, we gotta get it right sometimes, amiright? Can't be that hard. Hehe. 

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I can end the day with Rachmaninoff, then sleep early, then tennis in the morning. Sleeping on time for it urgh. Lol. I'm still ashamed of this. Sheer flip off to my night 🦉 days.

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I hope tomo is a great day!🤌🏼