Lying in bed and the lights are off and the AC is just right. I found some old concert of Adnan Sami that I'm listening to. I love classical music, and there are so many incredible Pakistani and Indian artists, that music just bridges the gap between all the strife between the two countries every single time. I remember Adnan's pop career back when I was small and he was such a wonderful singer. Never knew he was such a talented musician too. I love Sufi overtones in music too. Kailash Kher, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan,Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Jagjit Singh. So diverse and so melodic. Even the tabla, what a beautiful instrument I love it so much. So hard to play, harder still to master.
My mind keeps wandering to weird fragments of conversation I had. About crying, what it means to be strong, the idea of perfection, the structure of the world that tells you how to be, the things we want and the balancing act we all have in our lives.
Perfection for me exists in music. And my idea of perfection in people is if their flaws and their high points all match you to a tee. Like we were watching some Malcolm in the Middle and the parents in that have such a deep friendship in their marriage despite being horny for each other forever lol. That's been my definition of love in some sense too. Atleast when I have been in love, it was when I recognised that not only do I adore the positives in the person, but the points of contention were ones I could live with and care about and accept. I suppose that's why similar values matter. The contentious points will never be dead breakers with them.
Crying was an interesting topic to me this time tbh. M asked if I'd be okay with a guy who wept as much as girls do. That made me think tbh. I've simply never known a man that would cry that much. I think most ones I've known are sensitive and I've seen a few cry as well. But noone cries like say I would. I feel weepy during periods, I'm sure many women do. That's just hormonal. I felt a bit sentimental after seeing that tennis vid also lol, and that had nothing to do with hormones I'm smack dab in the middle of my fertile window, I checked my tracker lol. I guess when I find something genuinely touching it makes me sentimental, which it did. But even I don't really cry in front of anyone like I don't think anyone knows I do tbh. My breakdowns are always very private maybe 2 people in my entire life have seen me that way. So would I be okay with someone who felt that way if they were male? I think so. Sometimes I wish guys had more freedom to be expressive and they didn't always have to be tough or project a tough front. In that sense I'm glad of the widespread acceptance of therapy and the fact that a lot more men now show emotion which isn't just aggression. Cuz like you know... Being tough or being told to be tough... It's just a defence against people who are harming you. That's why I'm not a fan of "making someone tough", it's just code for abuse someone till they become defensive. All rubbish, but I'm glad that kinda of treatment esp of kids is dying out.
The one thing I've noticed and I'm even noticing with say M's friend who is throupling... It's v dostoevsky ish in a sense. It struck me when he said that he is trying to basically get the wife. I don't think he realises that he is craving love and intimacy not as much the physicality of it. And that's what I find fascinating. When your inner needs are in conflict with your outer voice, eventually there is chaos within you. And unless you actually address it and understand your own self, you'll never be in alignment or at peace. I see this conflict in a lot of folks who didn't choose to solve it within themselves. Like even Di. Whenever she speaks of her husband, I get the feeling that she is still in love with her ex or atleast always wanted to end up with him. But she chose this guy and committed. So I guess life goes on either way, you just accept a mean you feel is livable to you. I wonder what realisation M's friend eventually will get to. He seems smarter than he lets on so I feel he will figure it out. Hmm. At any rate I hope he does, everyone deserves a shot at stability and genuine happiness in life. People make it harder than it needs to be for themselves, but it honestly isn't that complicated. Needs effort, maybe that's the hard bit. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't settle for someone or convince myself they are "good enough". In any equation tbh. Friendship, love whatever. No halfsies for me.
Okay damn this concert is really hitting some beautiful notes. That tabla is absolutely gorgeous. Think I'll listen in peace.
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