Sunshine

Lying down in a park with the sun on my face! Lmao. And there is a doggie playing nearby that I befriended. Dammit I feel so niceeeee!!!

You know. I'm so glad for this moment rn. Just feels perfect. 

I love the sounds of birds in the morning. The first time I noticed it was at 6 am when I was visiting a vineyard a few years ago.  All my stress left me after I started listening to them. I recall it vividly. The coldness of the morning, the que sera sera vibe of the day. Everything just aligned to show me how stress is actually unnecessary and if you step outside of yourself, you can find a way to just be. Lol. These days I'm good at just 'being'. 

Days like these I tend to know for a fact that there's not much I want or crave in life. Just serenity, some love and a few close folks who I can make happy and who make me feel the same way. I think the steadiest I feel... emotionally and mentally is when I know I'm loved. 

Oh and awesome books to read. Not adult books, just whimsical childrens' books with fairies and garden gnomes and worlds that are both magical and filled with possibilities. The ones that take you away to distant places while you sit in one spot for hours and hours without knowing you did that. These days chess tends to replace that feeling. I can actually just sit and play and it feels great. I guess I enjoy the feeling of immersiveness I get from it. Hmm

I think I'd actually love a nice peaceful life, live in a cosy home that has lots of plants, a garden where I can lie down and look at the sky, nice soothing colours, write some childrens' books, do some painting and gardening on the side, play chess in the garden juuust like today, and be married to someone who is protective of me and who I can occasionally nag about something trivial cuz it feels nice to fuss over him but then also give him lots of hugs and kisses to make up for the nagging lol. Spend evenings just debating something random or watch our favourite shows, listen to lots of music, dance when we feel affection and idk bicker over something silly from time to time. Like how did his fav shirt go missing when I swear it was in the laundry and have him yell about it from some other corner of the house. Damn, and he would have to love chess too oops. Lol, I yet again found a hobby that most people around me do not have. I think partially why I've always felt a bit alone as a person is cuz my circles never had folks that shared my interests. Yet it's something I want to continue in perpetuity. Ooo and Sundays are for making some elaborate lunch that we both cook from scratch. Lol. I think this dream is why I don't go around randomly dating or letting random people enter my life. Simplicity and contentment requires ease, trust and genuine reciprocity. So I'll wait for the right moments to come about, this is a nice future and one that's worth waiting for to me. I actually want to build a legacy that we are both happy with, as two people who are friends, lovers and complete teammates. I can't wait to begin my life with you ♥️

Ugh. Yumz.

Sometimes my heart is very transparent and firmly attached to my sleeve isn't it? I don't know when I turned the corner into letting my feelings be free and gentle but I did and I'm glad I did. Reminds me of that short story "State Change" by Ken Liu. It was profound to me. From being engulfed in pain and anger from 2019 -2021, to being numb and unfeeling, to learning to open up in 2022, to battling and getting rid of my fears in 2023, to this moment rn when I'm just smiling at my phone, knowing that 'I got this'. It's been quite a journey. 

Aaaaaaa...Feel like hugging the universe while munching on my croissant and day dreaming of perfection. Hehe. What a lovely Saturdayyyyy