Relaxation

I think I'm gonna take life easy from now. I've worked really hard, I've tried to sort stuff for the past few years and I've been pretty relentless about certain things and I feel like I've done enough. So I'm gonna give myself a break and just chill. And I'm gonna let my focus be on some more material aspects of life for a bit. Build up finances, work network, do a bit of painting in down time etc, and get better at the things I like. I've spent a large part of this year trying to grapple with my fears and I think I've done a good job of it. But it's time to rest easy on that knowledge and also just trust in the fact that I'm adequate just the way I am. Most people who know me don't realise that I've felt like I wasn't good enough almost all my life, it's weird how my outer persona infact makes people think I'm extremely confident in myself. Heh. But I should maybe trust that they are right and that I am fine and I don't need to change to find any of the things I'm seeking. And I've made my peace with the fact that the people who genuinely want me in their life will make an effort for me. I see that in all my friends too, they all do. And in the end that level of quality is what I want so I can chill in the knowledge that I don't have to try and earn it, it'll be a natural consequence of mutual care. A strange dichotomy of this that I've noticed. I'm actually not a very 'gettable' person, am I? I've never thrown my feelings away at anyone, on the contrary I've been very conservative with my heart. Come to think of it, I don't even entertain most people romantically. That's nice. So I can trust that I won't make some bs choice ever. It'll definitely be someone I respect and value who I choose at the end. I find that part comforting. 

Plus I feel a little spent emotionally as well. This year was quite draining in that regard. Seeing my aunt pass away in December last year, then my mums surgery, in general dealing with parents and their marriage and my dad's crazy job locale... Everything has been about other folks and nothing about me. So let me pull back and just practice some self care and trust that I'll be okay and time will help me get to where I want. Let's just take things a step at a time and slow and steady. 

I think I can safely say that I am happy with the person I am, happy with how I've chosen to deal with stuff and happy with how far I've come. Think it's time to let the intensity dissipate and let there be ease and flow in life from now. 

Taking my own advice inception style. Booyeah babyyyy! 

Bighug to myself and a huuuggggeeee lot of love and affection.