Proposals

You know when a man asks you to marry him, how the custom is to go down on one knee? I think it's quaint and a lovely symbol of honouring the woman and showing her value. I get that. But I also think that I'd love for the man in my life to stand tall, and be the partner in his life that inspires him to do better and hold himself to higher standards and in general just come into his own in a stable way. However, I hate the idea of being "above" someone. Like... Idk how to articulate it but I've never liked the idea of a guy being under your thumb or worshipping you as if he has to thank his stars that he has you. I remember once my ex friend told me she is the sun in her husbands' universe and it made me want to vomit at the thought that someone can be so arrogant or want a partner whose only purpose you perceive to be revolving around you. How will you ever respect such a person? Any equation lacking mutual respect is kinda reprehensible to me.

Plus, being supportive of someone is a huge part of my personality and it feels nice to be the emotional rock in a relationship in my own way. I like that role in peoples' lives. Haha, funny I say that when I'm so emotional myself that sometimes I'm the one causing the storms. I'm definitely capable of causing upsets in my own quest for relevance. But hey that's for the other person to calm for me. To an extent atleast. Obviously I don't want to be giving someone grief for no rhyme or reason, but I think I do that only when I am lacking a sense of emotional security. Guess sometimes it takes a while to trust and find balance. I need to watch out for times I do that though, maybe work towards more transperancy atleast so I don't blindside someone out of the blue. I think I've been guilty of doing that. :( Aiyo. 

Perspective kinda sucks esp when it shows you where you've been going wrong lol. But I'm not perfect and these are all moments that are coming up for me cuz I'm trying my utmost to change my life and actually conceptualise and create a future that's free of my past. It takes time and I have to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for falling short sometimes. Plus idk I guess in the recent past when I have been emotional it's also cuz I've perceived a lack of care from the other persons' end and so that upset my balance too. And that's the part they need to correct, not me. I'm not gonna over give and I'm also not going to settle for zero giving from them. That much I'm clear on. All said and done, it takes two to tango. 🕺💃

Hmmm. And when someone does propose to me, I'd like him to not be on his knees, but rather just standing close, holding my hand and telling me he loves me and sees me in his future. I think I'd looove that or some variation of that. I don't want anything fancy, I just want to be sure that I'm loved. Ooh and maybe play me a nice song too. Hehe. Yes, we need music for sure. And then I'll definitely cry buckets. Better carry a handkerchief with you when you do ask me that question I suppose, we will need it. 

Edit: Rereading this and I have to remind myself of one thing - In a quest to not repeat past mistakes, or dealing with your own fears, do not make things hard for new people or project your fears on them. You can't forget to be cognizant of their feelings or assume that your actions have no impact on them... Can't have a no faith policy like that. And ummm. If you have to be honest with yourself... even though you are a bit salty at M... you know he has always tried to show you that he is a caring person and a nice person so don't assume the worst about him either, trust that he is being as transparent as he can allow himself to be currently. It's not fair to dump on him or judge him. Not saying that you have, P. But just be mindful and don't be a dick and when he does reach out, which he will at some point...BE NICE! Don't be dramatic, it's time both people learnt to stabilise this equation and stopped having these weird trust issues. Pretty sure he cares about you and kinda also sure that he might be as paranoid as you are of being close to someone so give him the space he needs and let him have his own reactions and catch him when he needs you to as well. He seems like someone who has gone through a lot of hurt himself, and you know he is a sensitive soul, so hmmm. In all honesty, as hurt as you have been in the past, there's something so naive in him that he probably was hit a lot harder than you. He is practical about worldly things but emotionally I'm not sure. Think you might be more emotionally practical than him, so anyway cut him slack. I'm sure he knows you like and accept him for who he is, so don't worry that he might think otherwise. 

Lol, you better be worth all this trouble I'm taking for you, sucka! And it's time you learnt to appreciate me the right way too, cuz I won't wait forever and I won't settle for bare minimum either. 🤷‍♀️