Accountability

I'm glad I started journaling. It helps me get my first and more extreme reactions out, and lets me find some balance. What's been sticking out to me the most these past few months is how much fear can influence me and make my reactions extreme. 

But on a positive side, it's been helping me let go of it as well and choosing more moderate approaches. One of the leaps of faith I've chosen to take is to not project the ghosts of my past experiences on folks now. Hopefully I'm doing a decent job of it so far. I don't mind the hard work, I just want to make sure I'm not unfair to anyone in my life because of it that's all. 

A decade ago I started writing in this little hidden corner of the internet with the intention of being completely honest with myself and saying things exactly how I feel so I practice self honesty. And now it's evolved to a point... especially this year...to be like a dear diary of sorts that helps me stay accountable to myself and others. Nice. 

I'd love to share it with someone someday though, wonder if I'll have the courage for it. Actually not courage, trust. I want to trust someone to share it with them, especially now that it's actually more personal and not just about worldly musings. Yeah. I'd like that. I'd shared a couple of things from here with folks earlier at some point but I don't think I'd want them in my space now, most definitely not. It would be intrusive asf. So far only Meg is a person I'd blindly be okay with. Hmmm. Maybe even M someday. But he still has ways to go until I trust him fully... actually no he doesn't. I do trust him, funnily enough. Completely. I've always known that he has the discretion and discernment to keep what's important to me to himself. And I know he will treat it with care and I'm safe with him. Funny. Currently feuding with him but I trust him a 💯 too lmao. Awww. Shit, I actually doooooo. Omgggg!! Okay this is so nice. Love you lots yo, feeling a huge surge of affection for you.♥️ Fight is still on, but whatever, I absolutely love you too. 🤺 ( just wish you'd learn to break the ice with me though, even if you think you are right, don't be so dug in that I simply get scared and stay away thinking you don't care at all. :( )

I used to think sharing this will be a big deal, cuz it would mean I'm sharing my most real self and I'll have to continue to be real so it will be intimidating to have another person in that space. But it actually just isn't scary at all, it's quite nice and feels natural. Yaay! That's amazing! I love it. 

Hmmm who else? I'm okay with him and I'm okay with Meg but I won't be okay with Di or anyone else tbh. So I don't trust Di fully to enter this space for me. Interesting. Also interesting is why tf do all people in my life have their names starting with M. Lmao. So random. Even my coffee mug has the letter M on it, but to be fair I took it from mom. And my stupid tattoo which is supposed to have a crown in a circle instead looks like an M in a circle. And I've referred to myself as 'Me' since I was 12 or something, literally been my signoff for decades now. Wonderful 💀 

Okay I'm hungry bye