Played a lot of chess since yesterday. It's a good distraction. Lol. I thought I'd feel really bad about how he is treating me, but rn all I feel is a bit of anger and not much else. At some point in my life, I'd have been gutted at the thought that I am disposable to someone that I gave a fuck about, but time and experience has done its thing and my mind is just like yeah ok accept it.  I guess that's a good thing. But I don't wanna be in this type of dumb situation man. Like it's soooo unnecessary. At first I thought he was deliberately being mean but no, he is a complete child so I bet he is acting like this for some reason only he knows and for some reason he has to hide it then snap at me and leave me guessing. Trying so hard not to cuss, but what can I say about someone who even eats pineapples like a kid, stabbing at them with a spoon. Not that I'm any better, I'm also super dug in cuz I want things to be normal and everytime it feels like it isn't I also panic and want to fix it immediately and I bet I come across as a complete lunatic too.  

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Okay now I am fucking mad too lol. This is beyond stupid. All it needs is a proper conversation to sort out but he will die in that stupid pit he wants to dig himself in, and I'll die on this stupid one where I want to know I'm important enough for him to fix stuff with me and be forthcoming. I wish I could let that go but ugh, it's like an existential thing for me and I want to know this cuz ugh. Well cuz you don't understand that you have this way of drawing out my care and loyalty and I'm terrified that you'd treat me like I'm meaningless and I'll get hurt once I allow myself to fully have your back. You don't understand how permanent my loyalty tends to be, I'm not flaky and I just caaaaan't give that 100 unless I'm sure I'm cared for too. So no dice, and this isn't an immature hill so suck it I win. And make no mistake, currently, you are treating me like trash and I hate it. Can't just leave me stranded everytime there's a hint of a conflict. I want there to be openness so I can actually discuss all this with you so you understand how I feel, instead of just hiding it and keeping it bottled up. Plus I'd like to know what's on your mind too. I'm sure I must have fucked up from time to time and you might have your own view which is why you are angry but I can't guess what it is. 

Lol both are mad but don't know why the other is mad so pretending to be okay mostly but then being dramatic at intervals. Maybe it's that I was impulsive and erratic and that might have hurt you. I'm sorry if that's so or if I made it seem like I was stranding you, I would never do that. Even when I'm quiet from time to time, it's not that I think you are bad, it's that I just get scared so I try not to impose. Plus you neverrr talk first so it feels like it doesn't matter to you. This is the issue. Cuz I still can't tell if it impacted you or you didn't give a shit lol. And maybe I was so busy thinking you don't give a shit that I inadvertently made it seem like I don't and didn't stop to think how that might come across. Idk, I hope it wasn't that. And you also can talk first no! Idk why you hesitate to, are you concerned how I might perceive it? No idea what it is, but it just comes across as uncaring and dismissive. None of the people in my life have a problem talking first, why do you? 😶 I've also not had the courage to address any of this. Oh man. But if that is so, and the suddenness of my reactions have hurt you, then I guess I owe you a huge apology too. Fuck. P, you are an idiot. Maaaan, I hope I didn't hurt youuuuu. And I hope you know I don't actually think any mean things about you to be honest. In fact I just see you in such a positive light all the time, it's weird. I barely ever do that for anyone, but with you it's just this gut feeling. Guess that's why I want to fix stuff once and for all, cuz I know you are one of the good ones. Lol, FML for me. This whole thing is one giant FML. 💀

On a lighter note - There should be a competition to see which of us ends up being more immature though. I used to think him, but I'll also compete for gold in this department. 💪🏼

Oh well. SUCK IT, EVERYONE!

Okay, lets get some work done. 

PS - once this fight is over, if that day shall ever come, I'll ask him to play semantle with me and meg and beat his ass 100-0 and give him a real reason to whine.