Concentric Circles

Was talking to Di yesterday and she brought up an interesting point. I was telling her about how long back I was told some extremely harsh things by someone because that person felt let down by me and her reaction was the same as my other friends who unanimously considered it to be quite brutal treatment. Her point being that you don't sacrifice care for someone just because you feel wronged in the moment and that there's a way to communicate even the worst of emotions. And I get that and agree. I've never been confrontational so I've never gone around saying mean things to anyone ever. Most of my faux paux happen unintentionally when I'm kidding but say something sharp. But in this one instant it was like... I couldn't even feel bad because I could sense the vindictiveness behind the attempt to make me feel like shit and idk I just refused to cater to it. And the more distance I got from that person, the more I realised how utterly childish and wrong that was. But that's the thing - when someone doesn't have life experience or hasn't gone through anything significant or had to take responsibility for anything other than themselves, they just end up being very very juvenile and lacking in any actual understanding. I'm going to stay away from people like this in the future. 

I adopted a goofy persona of sorts as a way to lighten up a bit and not take life too seriously. But that persona cannot and should not allow for people to assume they have the right to or hmmm... actually not even the right but the audacity to assume that you can be a dick without repercussions. Yeah, I think people confuse all that shit with weakness. Lol, funny to think that the goofing around fools people into thinking I'm just merry but immature and weaponless though. Heyyy ... Is that my disguise? I didn't realise it, but yeah maybe it is. Lmao... One of the most juvenile people I've ever known thinking I'm the immature one. Nice. I can appreciate the irony in this. 

I think in some sense I've always had an understanding of who I consider extremely close and who I consider a guest in my life. And I've always kinda known who I want to carry forward. One of the reasons I guess I was paranoid about letting someone new in as well. Whenever I sense that I might want them to be genuinely close, I have started getting paranoid initially and make sure I whet them incessantly in the beginning. And it's only cuz once I've decided they're my people, I'll love them lots and do my utmost for them in a very permanent way, so I just don't want to have someone in that space who might betray me. I'm lazy and I don't watch my back or like to, so once I decide to trust you, I'll love you and I won't recant that ever so better to just be hyper alert in the beginning and rest easy later. Plus idk, I'm at that point in life where I definitely want permanent folks in my life, ones who stay, with whom I can have camaraderie and kinship. So it's okay to take the time and trust that the hiccups that may arise along the way might test the equation temporarily, but in the long run it'll pan out for the good. Atleast that's the hope. 🥂

Having said that, I MISS THE SIMPLICITY OF CHILDHOOD!

In the words of the immortal Jack White https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=v7Kz-qoV168&feature=shared

Okay back to goofing.