Too cold for fans, too silent without brrr. Sweater weather finally arriving 😊

Noticed a lil something today. A certain someone seems a lot happier and light hearted now than he did a year ago, doesn't he? :) I'm glad. And a lot calmer and just... well a bit more umm idk. Just something is different and positive and nice. Can't believe I've known him for a year and his presence changed so much of my mind and heart. Dayum. You have noooo clue how much your presence means to me. Just none. And I won't tell you that anytime soon cuz I'll sound weird if I do maybe. But just the mere fact of knowing you has released a lot of my fears and made me in turn calmer and happier than I have been in years! And I'm turning into a person I like being, not defensive not aggressive but just more thoughtful and emotional and centered. I'm still scared of being vulnerable in front of someone and in general of opening up and sharing myself maybe but I guess those fears will dissipate in due time.

Feeling a little misty eyed just realising that.

CAN'T BELIEVE ITS BEEN A YEAR OF KNOWING YOU, YOU MOVIE QUOTER YOU!!! AARGH. 

I legit love you lots, from the depths of my heart I do. Idk how or why you arrived in my life but I am so incredibly glad you have.♥️

Just realised I spend my life doing a whole lot of stupid shit and I HAVE NO REGRETS I LOVE IT. 

Like laughing for a good minute at this string of words I never thought I would read in a paragraph

In other news...

BODENS MATE BABYYYYYYY, FIRST TIME EVER, POPPED THE CHERRY ON THIS ONEEE WOOT WOOT

Note to self:

Do not buy cherry tinted lib balm unless you want to look like a hoe every morning that you wake up.

Ugh. Never have I looked so fucked after a good nights' sleep it's like the Joker tried making out with me while I was snoozing. Mildly horrifying.

🤢

What traaash dude. Omg. I really shouldn't think the best of people should start from the worst and work my way up. Ugh. How can someone be this... Idk is it like a mental illness? Cuz idk what else even explains this behaviour. I don't get it. Something just doesn't add up. What's sickening is if those people are exploiting him knowing this. Idek. I believe him when he says he doesn't know it was wrong. But admitting that just means he is extremely vulnerable and hasn't got a clue. :(

Hmmm. I get why he has had so many free passes, I'd give him those too. But does he have to make life so difficult all the time? :( Just feels like a special needs child at times. This is like Flowers for Algernon gone horribly wrong. 

The weird thing is, there are many folks like that 45 yo dude. Even in my country, you'd find so many many folks so steeped in prejudice and so much unawareness and we just let it go cuz you can't fight them all. I've always considered education to be the best route out of this mess but idk. It's such a large social issue. Ugh. I don't have time to actually think of this today either. JUST ANOTHER BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH

Chess

This game has such cool lines. Dayum.... Interesting how that one pawn sac led to such deep lines. 

Tal v Koblentz 1957

57-61 really feels like great years in chess, every second game I see are from those years so far 

Cold

It's 23° outside, feels nice and pleasant. Colder nights I feel like just wrapping a blanket and sitting with some soup to warm me up. Was feeling bored around the afternoon but now I feel good. Don't feel too enthusiastic about doing anything though. Watching some old friends episode where Ross takes Rachels' name at the altar. Lmao. What an ass he was. They were soooo starcrossed. Made for good viewing I suppose. Even in this Rachel just acts selfish though lmao. Doesn't want him till he is with someone else then wants to ruin his wedding. And then doesn't go back to him after he gets divorced. 💀 Reminds me of a lot of people I know. 

Oh wow Di is just sending me pics of her trip to Yosemite with her dogs. How cuuute. Adooorable. I just love dogs in scarves. 

I love dogs, but I'm not sure if I'll have a pet again. It's so much responsibility. Maybe when I've settled down properly in life I might get one. Idk. I think life changes a lot once you make the permanent decisions. 

For me, I think I'll just feel a sense of relaxation. I've never made a huge life changing decision before, so I'm not sure what that would be like. I'll be scared for sure. But I guess the stars will align one way or another. I know for sure that I'm done being hurt though, and in my own way I've given up on any expectations from anyone, so I've come back to a very peaceful mindset. Very que sera sera. That's nice and stabilizing. I like feeling grounded and ever since I decided to chill out and trust everything, I've been happy and content. 

You know... Maybe I am a little bit in my own world sometimes. That ivory tower thing actually made me think. M just has a lot more life experience than me, he has known a lot of diverse people. My life has more or less been very homogeneous and sheltered. It's not like I haven't seen things, but I have seen them from a very academic lens, not as a part of it. That's a huge difference. Dammit. I hate when he is right lolol. There's sometimes a weird chasm I sense with him, like his experience levels are so much more than mine that I feel he would be a lot sharper when it comes to people. I don't have that lens, even though I do think I understand people emotionally quite well. In vv tiny moments, he makes me feel like a baby. Like when he said you'd be scared of that homeless dude in his outdoor game. He was sooo right, I'd have probably hid behind him if I was there instinctively.  Haha, I don't think he senses the vulnerable sides in me tbh. But I don't show them also. I'm TOUGH 💪🏼🙃

In other news, thinking of starting a new stretching regimen. Need to fix my injury for good it's just been acting up time and time again it sucks. Marathon goals are seeming distant if it doesn't get done. Ugh. Man, I want to atleast do some good stuff in 2024. Achieve some decent things. Don't want to be stagnant atleast. 

I think imma get my nice blanket out and cuddle in bed and check out some chess games. Or should I read that Bill Bryson book? It's quite easy to read. Ugh. Idk. DILEMMA! 

Cosy cosy nonetheless 

Edit: screw it watched Rick and Morty instead. Latest ep is sooo funny. "sorry you lost a finger, but that's the price of surprise buttplay" DED!

Even that last bit: Unity, I think Rick brought me here to indicate that he has changed, which he has but very slowly 🤣🤣

Oo even Justice League is on Netflix now Woohoo. I can see that sometime, been years 

 Bored. BORED. BOOOOOOREDDDD

Fuck chess

Stupid fucking game 

I hate it so much 

Matthew Perry

RIP

Can't believe I was just watching friends this week and gushing about him and how relatable his character was to me. 

Man, I feel gutted. 

Shit 

Everyone in the world sucks or what? Maybe I'm more gullible than I thought. Idk man. Is it really being in an ivory tower? 

I just find it hard to believe people can be so degen for just something lame like buying stuff. I mean I don't waaant to believe it, I really don't. :( just makes me so sad to think someone can do that. Esp for... Ugh. 

For the way the events happened like what woman wants two dicks inside her like that for a fucking shopping trip and to take someone's virginity for it I just can't this is too fucked up. I can't wrap my head around some person wanting a boy she isn't attracted to touching her, let alone so intimately. Someone who isn't her husband or partner but some random guy her husband brought home. You can't tell me that this is her idea and she is doing it for just fucking handbags.

I feel like puking. And I feel sick and I want to forget this. :(

Hmm and the thing M doesn't understand and the point I was trying to make was... Idk if he has ever considered the fact that viewing someone with suspicion all the time might be so hurtful to the person you are being suspicious of. In a quest to be self protective, is it fair to ascribe the worst of intentions to people? I'm guilty of doing that with him and in all fairness he did that to me too. I'm sure both of us were only trying to be protective of what we hold dear. But I don't think either of us are bad people who would have sold the other out if push came to shove. I'm sure he wouldn't harm me, and I sure as shit wouldn't harm him. Literally everything that's said between us stays between us and even in times of tiffs neither of us has ever been nasty to the other in public or even shown any signs of strife and I'm sure we never will. I like that. I like that there's an intuitive understanding and a general sense of loyalty in this equation. Lol, I can't believe just months ago I was so hypervigilant about everything, it seems quite silly now. What can I say? I have always chosen to believe the best in him in a clinical sense. Right from the start, no matter what anyone has said. But it took me time to trust the simple stuff. Atleast I've tried to be transparent about it and told him I misjudged him so there isn't anything hidden there. But I do wish we had met under different circumstances, just as two people who happen to meet and see if we got along from there onwards. That might have been so much easier and old school, like most things I like are hehe. 

But yeah this isn't the same as those guys and their bs, not even close. Mehhhh. M just because some stupid shit exists in the world doesn't mean you have to deal with it or be a part of it. You pls just come join me in my ivory tower, it's a very cozy nice place with comfort, good music, stupid jokes and lots and lots and lots of love. 

Nezhmetdinov Tal

I liked this game N won. I haven't seen many games where white pushes g4. And allowing white's knight to come to f5 which subsequently needed a g6 push by black. Slowly starting to understand how a game can revolve around a single weakness and why. I found this concept very tough to understand earlier and I'm not sure I can still articulate it well even if the calculation can be done. That's what I hate tbh. Sometimes it's so frustrating to get to the right answer but not know why actually it's correct. I hate that blank I draw at times.

The mate in 8 was tough for me to see even in this position. The amount of effort it takes to see this stuff man. And to have the rigor to ascertain it's correct. Fuck, it's a total brain workout and I love the wringing of the thinking part but holy hell it's frustrating to get something wrong. That surge of anger I feel lmao. Haven't felt that in any sport ever before, so damn unique. 

Nezhmetdinov Tal 1961 Baku 

Fireflies

Finally finished making my salad for the week. Man, I've become like those pendantic old folks who hate if their diet gets too weird. Couple of days of eating out and my mind is rebelling and craving light food again. A nice change tbh. I remember back in the workaholic days how much we used to eat out esp on weekends. What a shite lifestyle that was. Now I look for olives and nice ingredients to stock in my fridge. I actually just really enjoy cooking. 

As I type this I can hear Tambola night happening in my apartment ahhaha. Throwback to all the Army parties my parents used to attend. One random live band playing Hotel California and Sinatra songs, the singer trying to engage the audience every 3 songs, the men drinking whiskey and eating roasted peanuts while bragging about something. One would inevitably get drunk enough to then sing a song to someone else's wife cuz idk boomer jokes. The ladies were all dressed up and checking each other out while pretending to be hoity. That fake high pitched laugh that used to accompany the entire group of women oh man... I used to wonder why my mom suddenly seems so fake and polite 🤣. And the kids just playing by themselves in the gardens, waiting for the waiters to bring the snacks. It was so fun to eat all the finger foods on toothpicks. My fav was the perennial cheese, cherry, pineapple that was diced just right. Or those tiny fried chicken balls on toothpicks that felt fancy asf. The boys used to just shove lots of them on their napkins while noone was looking. I used to politely take one and thank the waiter cuz I was scared of being scolded even though I wanted more. 🤣 

Man, those were the times! Idk if it was the sultry evenings, the sprawling lawns lit by dim lamps or the occasional fireflies buzzing in the shrubbery, but there was something very magical about it all. 

Come to think of it, we once caused trouble by catching some officer with some lady that wasn't his wife in the darkness. And then told everyone at the party while laughing. Hahaha fuck. That was such a scandal. Never realised what it meant until now oops. Sorry not sorry you loser cheaters. Glad we ratted you out. 

Soooo many random things you don't understand when you are small. And one day the realisation just hits you and you go... Oops. 🙃

Tabla Concerts

Lying in bed and the lights are off and the AC is just right. I found some old concert of Adnan Sami that I'm listening to. I love classical music, and there are so many incredible Pakistani and Indian artists, that music just bridges the gap between all the strife between the two countries every single time. I remember Adnan's pop career back when I was small and he was such a wonderful singer. Never knew he was such a talented musician too. I love Sufi overtones in music too. Kailash Kher, Rahat Fateh Ali Khan,Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Jagjit Singh. So diverse and so melodic. Even the tabla, what a beautiful instrument I love it so much. So hard to play, harder still to master.

My mind keeps wandering to weird fragments of conversation I had. About crying, what it means to be strong, the idea of perfection, the structure of the world that tells you how to be, the things we want and the balancing act we all have in our lives. 

Perfection for me exists in music. And my idea of perfection in people is if their flaws and their high points all match you to a tee. Like we were watching some Malcolm in the Middle and the parents in that have such a deep friendship in their marriage despite being horny for each other forever lol. That's been my definition of love in some sense too. Atleast when I have been in love, it was when I recognised that not only do I adore the positives in the person, but the points of contention were ones I could live with and care about and accept. I suppose that's why similar values matter. The contentious points will never be dead breakers with them.

Crying was an interesting topic to me this time tbh. M asked if I'd be okay with a guy who wept as much as girls do. That made me think tbh. I've simply never known a man that would cry that much. I think most ones I've known are sensitive and I've seen a few cry as well. But noone cries like say I would. I feel weepy during periods, I'm sure many women do. That's just hormonal. I felt a bit sentimental after seeing that tennis vid also lol, and that had nothing to do with hormones I'm smack dab in the middle of my fertile window, I checked my tracker lol. I guess when I find something genuinely touching it makes me sentimental, which it did.  But even I don't really cry in front of anyone like I don't think anyone knows I do tbh. My breakdowns are always very private maybe 2 people in my entire life have seen me that way. So would I be okay with someone who felt that way if they were male? I think so. Sometimes I wish guys had more freedom to be expressive and they didn't always have to be tough or project a tough front. In that sense I'm glad of the widespread acceptance of therapy and the fact that a lot more men now show emotion which isn't just aggression. Cuz like you know... Being tough or being told to be tough... It's just a defence against people who are harming you. That's why I'm not a fan of "making someone tough", it's just code for abuse someone till they become defensive. All rubbish, but I'm glad that kinda of treatment esp of kids is dying out. 

The one thing I've noticed and I'm even noticing with say M's friend who is throupling... It's v dostoevsky ish in a sense. It struck me when he said that he is trying to basically get the wife. I don't think he realises that he is craving love and intimacy not as much the physicality of it.  And that's what I find fascinating. When your inner needs are in conflict with your outer voice, eventually there is chaos within you. And unless you actually address it and understand your own self, you'll never be in alignment or at peace. I see this conflict in a lot of folks who didn't choose to solve it within themselves. Like even Di. Whenever she speaks of her husband, I get the feeling that she is still in love with her ex or atleast always wanted to end up with him. But she chose this guy and committed. So I guess life goes on either way, you just accept a mean you feel is livable to you. I wonder what realisation M's friend eventually will get to. He seems smarter than he lets on so I feel he will figure it out. Hmm. At any rate I hope he does, everyone deserves a shot at stability and genuine happiness in life. People make it harder than it needs to be for themselves, but it honestly isn't that complicated. Needs effort, maybe that's the hard bit. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't settle for someone or convince myself they are "good enough". In any equation tbh. Friendship, love whatever. No halfsies for me. 

Okay damn this concert is really hitting some beautiful notes. That tabla is absolutely gorgeous. Think I'll listen in peace. 

🤢

Ugh what the fuck did I eat yesterday I feel like I've got food poisoning. Fuck. Feel so gross.

Girls night

Lying down on my back, drinking whiskey and eating nutties while debating some absolute horseshit with M and her friends and watching Derry Girls. Omg. I loooove girls night and idk how looong its been since I laughed this much fuck. My stomach hurts with the laughter hehe. Also it's so nice you don't have to wear a bra around women if you don't want to. This is the taste of freedom lol. I hate stupid bras.

We are so different, Meg and I. So so so different, and yet it's just so in sync that it's amazing. Maybe it's our penchant for laughing at worries or idk what. But I'm just so damn happy rn ♥️😭

Also Derry Girls rocks. How are Brit shows so damn good fuck?! Absolute gold. 🥇

I'm lil drunk and I wanna hear some nice songs omg I wish someone could play me something niiice 

Squish

How are you so good with kidsssss omgggg fuck. That lil fellow was loving it, you can tell with those lil shouts. Daaaam. My ovaries are in overdrive lmaoooo. 

I hate how much I misunderstood you, you are such a sweetheart for reals!!! DAMMIT! But I had to make sure, I had to be skeptical, except I hate that I had to nowww. Lmao. Yeah, it sucks to be a distrustful adult! And to think I thought you were selfish, ugh. You are anything but. And you hide allll this for some reason. Crazy person, stupid disguises and perennial hustles ugh. Some days I wanna know every tiny little thing about you, all those little things I bet you don't even know what they are and how they make my heart completely melt. But that's what I like best. You are so unaware of all the nice little things, it kinda makes it nicer. I never ever ever thought I'd meet someone who I actually wish to know and it's... Hmmm. It's for the right reasons, for the person you are and the qualities you embody, no more no less. I like that. I like that this is who you were 5 years ago and it's not something that you were pretending to be or something that's a recent thing, or something that you needed to deliberately show the world. I trust that. Ugh. From the time I have known you, you've somehow made a way into my heart and in the beginning I was so fearful of you simply for that reason. It was too instantaneous and while I've always been impulsive, life has taught me lessons time and again to curb that instinct lol. I'm not scared of you anymore though, not one bit lmao.  Just means I'll be more at ease when I pull your leg. Even you've gotten calmer recently though, that's nice. Not getting agitated at me for random stuff and I'm glad. I don't ever want you being mad at me again! Well not for anything significant atleast, stupid shit is fine. 😬

I like my curiosity when it's tinged with happiness and nurturing as opposed to the times when I'm curious in a clinical way. And with you, it's just so joyful and innocent, makes me feel like I'm 5 and meeting another 5yo and they'll be my best friend by lunchtime cuz they are so gosh darn amazing lmao. 

DAMMIT!! And I like that kids squeals of joy, such a gorgeous moment in time you captured. And THEN HID IT FOR SOME REASON. 😭😭😭

Omg you better learn to trust me fasssst buck up pleaaaaseee. I'm also v niceeee aaaaa you should know that by nowwwww 😭😭😭

Masha I Medvedi

You know. I can sing that Zemlja song I think. It's right up my alley. I'll ask Raves on how to record and try it maybe. I love the seductiveness of it. Even Bez Teblja. 

That croony stuff and then raw power. A spectrum I love, desire and fall prey to.

I like slow days where you can have dumbass discussions about who was wrong between Ross and Rachel and the "on a break" thing hahah. It would be interesting to ask other people this

It's funny when I was a kid I thought they had a good romance but as an adult I ship Chandler Monica. The way both of them rounded out each other and helped each other grow, yet had fun together. Two weirdos coming together to make a solid team. Plus I low key relate to Chandler. I liked his character development from a complete neurotic commitment phobe to the only actual committed guy on the show. That was cool. And his penchant for making bad jokes in serious situations that I tend to do as well. Of all the people I could relate to...I pick a dude called Bing. 

Edit: JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD ENJOY A SLOW DAY MY STUPID CAR BATTERY DIES STRANDING ME ON A BUSY STREET LOOKING LIKE A DOOF. HAD TO EXPLAIN TO THREE COPS WHY TF I WAS HOLDING UP TRAFFIC I HATE STUPID TRAFFIC FML

Opera

Oh man. Listening to Nessun Dorma while having red wine. This is so incredibly soulful. Dammit. Am I finally starting to understand why people like the Opera? Cuz this is legit socking me in the feels. 

Everything about it, the orchestra, the yearning. I just know what he is singing about even though I don't know the words. And when the release comes, ooof. Holy hell. 

This is incredible!

Another yearny song I keep coming back to:

Che Vuole Questa Musica Stasera

Like getting drunk in a dimly lit bar and wanting to hold on to the sway of the moment a little while longer. Squeeze a bit of pleasure out of that lil slice of time, match the rhythm of the beat. I used to think I love the sax the most, but it's the piano that does it. Softly, surely...with notes that tease just right...and know when to change the tempo to let you be. 

I'd be half the person that I am, if I didn't have music that makes love to me incessantly. 

Red pics go with red wine, or maybe I'm just drunk, who knows?

Smart lamps for the win! You can be in sweats and still make it look somewhat acceptable. Heard a bit of masha i medvedi too while playing with the colours. The slow burn matches my old vibe and the redness but Reykjavik matches the current one. Nice. 

Ugh. I want to sketch something. Something good. It's been ages. Imma make something that takes effort for once. 

Oh fuck and now Un Amore Grande is playing fuck meee. Why have I not heard more Peppino Gagliardi? Funnily enough, something about it is very Bond music too. Weird. But I love it.

Touch a distant star, wish upon it, blow a kiss like you mean it, and may it not burn you. 

Johnny Lee

I found this song while checking out Johnny Lee.

Dreams Die Hard

Man. Heard it twice and it's like. Hmmm. There was a time I'd have resonated so hard, and I don't now thankfully. Sad songs don't make me think of anyone, it's all so distant now. Sometimes I hope I never have to feel that pain again. But then again, would it be love if I wasn't risking this? 

Lmao, fucked and how. Oy-veyyyy. 

Better be fucking worth it! Cuz I will choose to fall hard for sure. And you know... One of the more important decisions in life, after so much strife, should be one that's taken whole heartedly. Can't let shitty experiences make you choose to crawl. I guess that's why I'm open to being friends first and taking it slow. Lmao, imagine that, me... The person who leaps before she looks, wants to be deliberate. That's a joke in itself 😬

Lmaooo ... Just want to laugh but also cuss so fucking much rn. Oh what's that Russian word I saw?

пиздец как buuullsheeeet 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

Imma stick to Lookin' for Love, more my speed lol. People who like this song can't be all that bad, can they? ;) heh. Oh but wait, his friiiiend likes this song. Right right! 🙃

Edit: Dammit. Now I've heard this lookin for love 6 times already. Imma go get some wine tonight. It's been ages and tonight calls for a nice white wine. 🥂

Concentric Circles

Was talking to Di yesterday and she brought up an interesting point. I was telling her about how long back I was told some extremely harsh things by someone because that person felt let down by me and her reaction was the same as my other friends who unanimously considered it to be quite brutal treatment. Her point being that you don't sacrifice care for someone just because you feel wronged in the moment and that there's a way to communicate even the worst of emotions. And I get that and agree. I've never been confrontational so I've never gone around saying mean things to anyone ever. Most of my faux paux happen unintentionally when I'm kidding but say something sharp. But in this one instant it was like... I couldn't even feel bad because I could sense the vindictiveness behind the attempt to make me feel like shit and idk I just refused to cater to it. And the more distance I got from that person, the more I realised how utterly childish and wrong that was. But that's the thing - when someone doesn't have life experience or hasn't gone through anything significant or had to take responsibility for anything other than themselves, they just end up being very very juvenile and lacking in any actual understanding. I'm going to stay away from people like this in the future. 

I adopted a goofy persona of sorts as a way to lighten up a bit and not take life too seriously. But that persona cannot and should not allow for people to assume they have the right to or hmmm... actually not even the right but the audacity to assume that you can be a dick without repercussions. Yeah, I think people confuse all that shit with weakness. Lol, funny to think that the goofing around fools people into thinking I'm just merry but immature and weaponless though. Heyyy ... Is that my disguise? I didn't realise it, but yeah maybe it is. Lmao... One of the most juvenile people I've ever known thinking I'm the immature one. Nice. I can appreciate the irony in this. 

I think in some sense I've always had an understanding of who I consider extremely close and who I consider a guest in my life. And I've always kinda known who I want to carry forward. One of the reasons I guess I was paranoid about letting someone new in as well. Whenever I sense that I might want them to be genuinely close, I have started getting paranoid initially and make sure I whet them incessantly in the beginning. And it's only cuz once I've decided they're my people, I'll love them lots and do my utmost for them in a very permanent way, so I just don't want to have someone in that space who might betray me. I'm lazy and I don't watch my back or like to, so once I decide to trust you, I'll love you and I won't recant that ever so better to just be hyper alert in the beginning and rest easy later. Plus idk, I'm at that point in life where I definitely want permanent folks in my life, ones who stay, with whom I can have camaraderie and kinship. So it's okay to take the time and trust that the hiccups that may arise along the way might test the equation temporarily, but in the long run it'll pan out for the good. Atleast that's the hope. 🥂

Having said that, I MISS THE SIMPLICITY OF CHILDHOOD!

In the words of the immortal Jack White https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=v7Kz-qoV168&feature=shared

Okay back to goofing. 

Chess

 

Ugh this made me cry 

How tf does someone get it in under 5s how can you be this gooooodddddd aaaaaaaa. So fucking impressive. I hate you a lil bit, sleepyhead ♥️

Man, puzzles are funnnnn. Should do more. The problem is you knoooww there's a solution. So hard to see that in games. All I've learnt from lichess puzzles is to look for queen sacs first lmao. 

2024

I'm looking forward to next year. I think it'll be fun.  

I want to work on some stuff that's exclusively for me. Should be good. Imma make 2024 into a fantastic year!

Grumpy person your threatening voice is just soooo cute. Heheh. Idk how you do it, but I'm soooo fond of youuuuuu. Ugh, makes me wanna do you man. Dammit. I have never felt such primal lust for anyone lmao. Just try to make it palatable by pretending to add on cutesy stuff but sheesh. It's like. Hmmm. I feel like all those tiffs and frustrations and niceness and anger and alllll the intense emotions that get evoked will just get resolved if you were deep inside me. With your croony voice and your exact knowledge of what I'd like. I'm sure you'd coax it out of me without me knowing you are doing it. Haha, this is why I trust you I guess. You'd never exploit that power you'd inevitably have over me. In fact. I'm pretty sure you do know you have power over me even now. And you've never exploited it and I know you won't either. Aww. Heart. So you can have as much of it as you want, idc. All yours. Funnily enough I don't want any power over you, I just want to be nice to you, through and through. Esp when you are grumps hehe.

Actually, the power thing is intriguing. You must really find it hard to let someone in. So maybe it's also your process? You are so distrustful of people that figuring them out without letting on that you are doing it is one of the things that you need to do to trust them? Interesting. I'm curious how that trait plays out against someone like me, cuz I'm very direct and "what you see is what you get " sorts. Would that make you more paranoid though? That last hurrah of your fears? Lol. Whatever, I hope you get over them, not everyone is a Iago. 

Ever since I realised I'm safe with you, it's like a fog just lifted. Heh heh. I can imagine your response if I were to tell you this. " oh yeah, you're safe huh? you're realising it now? ** Eye roll ** " hahhahahah. You'd wanna ban me lots out of spite na? Or someeething just to let the steam out. Lmaoo. I think I was mentally just looking for red flags out of paranoia and it made me kinda weird. I was with someone who had no empathy for me, so forgive me for all the erraticness I brought to the table, trusting you was harder than I imagined but not because of anything you did wrong, but because someone else really wrecked me before. You don't know the worst of it, but one day if we are close enough I'll tell you and I think you'll understand. I've never shared it with anyone except meg, have I? Yeah I haven't. Women friends for the win! 🙌 But that's in the past and things will be steady from now. I'll try my best. You also pls do lol. Sommmmeeeday I'll tell you all about what all stupid shit I thought. I was trying to protect myself but I suppose it wasn't fair to you so I'll apologise then to you for it too. 

Earlier on I didn't understand your moods so I thought you were being mean when you refuse to communicate but now I kinda get it, I think it's just general grumpiness and tiredness for you. The other day when I stayed on for a long time, I realised how much text you actually read and that long ass sess was tiring for me, so I can only imagine how much more it must be for you. Dayum. You do a loooot. It was like 7-8 hours. That's nuts. I'll keep that in mind from now. Plus you are human at the end of the day, even though you act all superhuman. It must be exhausting to be 'on' all the time.  Oh well, it's fine. I'm gonna trust you know what you are doing from now though, and take a leap of faith that I'm not wrong about you. :) Temperance. 

Sigh. If only you could peek into my mind sometime. It's exhausting and liberating while grappling with problems but also fun and mischievous when it's at ease. Think you might enjoy it. Look at me, flattering myself. Butter, butter, slathering it everywhere. 😬🙃

Priorities

When both your friends lust after the guy while you share this for the amazing looking sushi loool. 

Funny how I never thought of Leclerc as cute even though I suppose he objectively is. Weird, but if he were to act funny and nuts, I'll totally start lusting him. I bet Gen Zs now have a term for being attracted to someone's personality but idk what it is. Interesting. 

Oh well, as it stands, I still want that sushi and nothing else, it looks YUM. 

🖖

Worked out so much every part of my body buuuurns ooof. I love it. 🥺

Somthing about a brutal workout just feels so damn good. Self punishment for the WIN

Sunshine

Lying down in a park with the sun on my face! Lmao. And there is a doggie playing nearby that I befriended. Dammit I feel so niceeeee!!!

You know. I'm so glad for this moment rn. Just feels perfect. 

I love the sounds of birds in the morning. The first time I noticed it was at 6 am when I was visiting a vineyard a few years ago.  All my stress left me after I started listening to them. I recall it vividly. The coldness of the morning, the que sera sera vibe of the day. Everything just aligned to show me how stress is actually unnecessary and if you step outside of yourself, you can find a way to just be. Lol. These days I'm good at just 'being'. 

Days like these I tend to know for a fact that there's not much I want or crave in life. Just serenity, some love and a few close folks who I can make happy and who make me feel the same way. I think the steadiest I feel... emotionally and mentally is when I know I'm loved. 

Oh and awesome books to read. Not adult books, just whimsical childrens' books with fairies and garden gnomes and worlds that are both magical and filled with possibilities. The ones that take you away to distant places while you sit in one spot for hours and hours without knowing you did that. These days chess tends to replace that feeling. I can actually just sit and play and it feels great. I guess I enjoy the feeling of immersiveness I get from it. Hmm

I think I'd actually love a nice peaceful life, live in a cosy home that has lots of plants, a garden where I can lie down and look at the sky, nice soothing colours, write some childrens' books, do some painting and gardening on the side, play chess in the garden juuust like today, and be married to someone who is protective of me and who I can occasionally nag about something trivial cuz it feels nice to fuss over him but then also give him lots of hugs and kisses to make up for the nagging lol. Spend evenings just debating something random or watch our favourite shows, listen to lots of music, dance when we feel affection and idk bicker over something silly from time to time. Like how did his fav shirt go missing when I swear it was in the laundry and have him yell about it from some other corner of the house. Damn, and he would have to love chess too oops. Lol, I yet again found a hobby that most people around me do not have. I think partially why I've always felt a bit alone as a person is cuz my circles never had folks that shared my interests. Yet it's something I want to continue in perpetuity. Ooo and Sundays are for making some elaborate lunch that we both cook from scratch. Lol. I think this dream is why I don't go around randomly dating or letting random people enter my life. Simplicity and contentment requires ease, trust and genuine reciprocity. So I'll wait for the right moments to come about, this is a nice future and one that's worth waiting for to me. I actually want to build a legacy that we are both happy with, as two people who are friends, lovers and complete teammates. I can't wait to begin my life with you ♥️

Ugh. Yumz.

Sometimes my heart is very transparent and firmly attached to my sleeve isn't it? I don't know when I turned the corner into letting my feelings be free and gentle but I did and I'm glad I did. Reminds me of that short story "State Change" by Ken Liu. It was profound to me. From being engulfed in pain and anger from 2019 -2021, to being numb and unfeeling, to learning to open up in 2022, to battling and getting rid of my fears in 2023, to this moment rn when I'm just smiling at my phone, knowing that 'I got this'. It's been quite a journey. 

Aaaaaaa...Feel like hugging the universe while munching on my croissant and day dreaming of perfection. Hehe. What a lovely Saturdayyyyy

Whew. A nice, low key day. I like the cocoon of it all, just have an evening to myself, make some tea, browse stuff, read articles, catch up on news and memes lol. Think I'm gonna spend the weekend at a bookstore, been ages since I went to one. Ooo this sounds absolutely fun. And I can be fancy schmancy and get a croissant and go to maybe an art gallery later or to the park. Actually park would be nice, just chill and read out in the open. Omgomgomg. Okay I'm excited about this 🙌

Musings

Is there any other growing sector apart from Fintech? I'm sick of Fintech startups and their ideas too.  Been researching about edtech but it sucks balls it's become unethical asf. Education as a sector appeals to me the most, but I just don't know enough about it to think of any meaningful areas of contribution in it. Hmmm. 

Chess is actually one area that I genuinely feel a connect to and I find its business challenges quite unique. Was checking out some update by Geert about chesspunks and what struck me is how scanty the landscape for introducing new users seems to be at the moment. It's got a lot of value but such a high barrier to entry as well. Interesting. I think I'll spend some time mapping out the current status quo and see what I can understand in it. 

I actually quite like how my local chess group has grown in the last couple of years. It's actually quite huge now. And all because of two intermediate players who have a passion for the game. Hmmm okay I'll do some work over the weekend this feels fun.

Today I changed all meeting dates on the calendar without warning and idgaf I want to just chill and sleep. Goodnight world. See you tomo! 

Ulf Andersson

Omggg I love himmmmm

Hahahha he is such a legend oh my god!!! What epic fucking grinds. Saw some Finegold vid on it and even Finegold was like yeah he hates to end a game ahhahahahab fuckkkkk. 

People who play chess are such epic nutters I love them all! 

:l

Why do my haircuts always look like young Rafa? 😭

Relaxation

I think I'm gonna take life easy from now. I've worked really hard, I've tried to sort stuff for the past few years and I've been pretty relentless about certain things and I feel like I've done enough. So I'm gonna give myself a break and just chill. And I'm gonna let my focus be on some more material aspects of life for a bit. Build up finances, work network, do a bit of painting in down time etc, and get better at the things I like. I've spent a large part of this year trying to grapple with my fears and I think I've done a good job of it. But it's time to rest easy on that knowledge and also just trust in the fact that I'm adequate just the way I am. Most people who know me don't realise that I've felt like I wasn't good enough almost all my life, it's weird how my outer persona infact makes people think I'm extremely confident in myself. Heh. But I should maybe trust that they are right and that I am fine and I don't need to change to find any of the things I'm seeking. And I've made my peace with the fact that the people who genuinely want me in their life will make an effort for me. I see that in all my friends too, they all do. And in the end that level of quality is what I want so I can chill in the knowledge that I don't have to try and earn it, it'll be a natural consequence of mutual care. A strange dichotomy of this that I've noticed. I'm actually not a very 'gettable' person, am I? I've never thrown my feelings away at anyone, on the contrary I've been very conservative with my heart. Come to think of it, I don't even entertain most people romantically. That's nice. So I can trust that I won't make some bs choice ever. It'll definitely be someone I respect and value who I choose at the end. I find that part comforting. 

Plus I feel a little spent emotionally as well. This year was quite draining in that regard. Seeing my aunt pass away in December last year, then my mums surgery, in general dealing with parents and their marriage and my dad's crazy job locale... Everything has been about other folks and nothing about me. So let me pull back and just practice some self care and trust that I'll be okay and time will help me get to where I want. Let's just take things a step at a time and slow and steady. 

I think I can safely say that I am happy with the person I am, happy with how I've chosen to deal with stuff and happy with how far I've come. Think it's time to let the intensity dissipate and let there be ease and flow in life from now. 

Taking my own advice inception style. Booyeah babyyyy! 

Bighug to myself and a huuuggggeeee lot of love and affection. 

Fuck just FUCK

Sometimes I wonder. With all the fuck ups in the world. Will people ever sort themselves out? I don't get it. I don't get how you willingly just choose to sit in that misery and do nothing about it. I understand weakness but I don't get laziness. Idk man. I think I've turned that corner into adulthood where I now view things a bit more rigidly, I don't think compassion means giving a free rein either. 

I don't know if that boy actually has some mental illness or the years of abuse his dad heaped on them ruined his sensitivities but fuck man. Fuck. It's so tough to hear wtf is happening and those utter fucking assholes who are doing it to him. Fuck. Idk I just feel so so so bad idk how to get rid of this feeling I don't 

Man I dated an abusive person for a short while I know first hand how fucked it can be but to just be a sitting duck willingly omggg. When it happened  first I didn't know wtf it was cuz the never show themselves as abusive and I used to be so confused until I learnt what was happening was wrong. Like waking me up by shouting at me at 4am and berating me while I had no clue what was going on. Fuck. I can't openly share that but I wonder how many people out there even know how horrifying it is or how fucked things can get. I was lucky, I didn't really have to face anything brutal cuz I had some natural defenses to this behaviour and I quickly ended it but so many others don't have a clue. I was genuinely very lucky that nothing bad happened to me at the time because reading what I did today just made me feel so unsettled. I still feel gross. Dayum. 

I don't think they get how that woman in that scenario might also be a victim. I don't think she is some gold digger I think she is someone that got trapped with a fuckhead. Her husband is a monster. Discussing with some random boy how to get his wife off like wtf. Fleecing him for money is so minor compared to how fucked the rest of it is. Damn. 

Sometimes I've berated myself for having random boundaries that don't make sense to others. Like wanting people to apologise when they do something to me that they might consider minor. But they don't get why I feel that. You have had to experience how truly awful people can be to realise why these small things matter. Why it's important  to take responsibility even when your ego comes in the way. I wish more people understood that, but the world is so fucked that I doubt any do. :( 

Man and that thing about not being jealous but wanting to control. Dayum. I never even thought about it. I can feel jealous. Actually not jealous but possessive.I am possessive for sure, and I understand  that trait in others and idc if they have it but I simply can't imagine wanting to be controlling without all that. Bruh you gotta be evil and how to do it. And to think some people do it as a sport.

Fuck it and fuck this. I am never ever ever settling for anyone in life who doesn't treat me with love and respect. No fucking way. I'd rather die alone than ever entertain sub par shit fuck that to hell and beyond. 

If I ever have a kid, my kid will have the luxury of two loving parents who do the utmost for him or her, istg I will not settle for anything less than the best when it comes to this. And I'm never ever letting anything or anyone harm me or people I care about. 

The world can go fuck itself.

Book recos

1. A mathematician's mind

2. A Personal Matter - Nathan translation

3. A Swim in a Pond in the Rain: In Which Four Russians Give a Master Class on Writing, Reading, and Life

Hmmm. The first sounds like it might have too many suppositions idk. I'll review it before trying it out. 

But someone who is reading Godel will have similar interests to mine so let me start with the last one. 

Man, I love it when communities have diverse interests. Always great to exchange notes. I wonder if M reads. He might actually enjoy Sun and Steel. Will tell him sometime. Man actually has depth to him, I used to assume he was so uncaring. I wonder why. His spectrum is just so confusing sometimes. But I guess it's cuz I don't know what he hides. I'm sure there must be some significant amount of stress he must have dealt with to be this way now. Hmmm. It's okay, if he shares someday I'll know more. But it's on him, I guess trust isn't that easy for everyone and if he doesn't feel it with me then that's okay too. I'll have his back either way anyway, I don't need a show of trust from him to do that anymore. I've sized him up for myself and I'm quite at peace with that. Anyway I'll reco this, he might find mishima's ideas interesting 

Pooped

Fuck I'm so tired today I don't feel like doing any reading. Just playing some chess randomly. Feel like watching some crappy reality show just to unwind lol. Saw the new season of rick and morty is back. Funny how that show petered out. The first two seasons were so good but now it's all hit and miss. Consistency is so tough. Sometimes they become a bit too clever for their own good and it shows. I wonder why dumbness is not annoying but try harding is. 

Ughhhh. I don't wanna do anythinggggg. But I shoulddddd

Fuck it, I'll try to get back to 1900. Ugh. I should play longer gamessss. Why is starting something new so hard for me... I just delay it forever then suddenly dive in and don't let go lmao. One day a therapist will really earn their paycheck after talking to me. I'm so arrogant I'm certain I'll try to test them bigtime, all based on the fact that I love Jung lmao. Cocky without substance, now that's a sweet spot. 

Fuck chess. Lmao blundering so much bs haha. But I'm loving playing these days I sense that I've gotten better although my rating today says otherwise. Omgomgomg I wanna be 2000 aaaaaaa. I want that sweet sweet number next to my name 😭 whennnnn

Had a long ass day and drank insane number of coffees and then sat around checking out some old articles of this boy when I finally had time to chill. So cute man. Like aaaa. I will never, NEVER understand why he is so hard on himself all the time. Maybe that is his source of drive too though. But damn, wish he would see himself from my lens sometimes. Such a nice blend of characteristics. 

I've always known super smart folks, people who are go getters, tier 1 unis, and doing really well in their lives etc. It's never been an anomaly, but rather a norm for me. But it's been rare that I find someone who genuinely has an interesting blend of traits. Or maybe they are interesting to me cuz I like flavour in people. Idk. Whatever it is, it's nice. Hehe. Good going, yo! Love long and prosper 🖖.

Imma leave that typo as an ode to romantic styles

Rings

That thing M's friend said about wedding rings. Wearing it to make fun of it. It's so. It breaks my heart that his parents were so fuckall man. I can't believe adults can be so irresponsible and fucked. Well his dad in this case. It always takes that one person to ruin a family dynamic. Poor child. I can relate to his feelings somewhat. I had a hostile environment growing up but it was never this bad and we didn't have to deal with alcoholism etc. So I can't imagine how much stress he must have gone through..plus it fucks you up to see a parent get ill treated repeatedly, and in a weird way you fear the same happening to you so you try to avoid it by being commitment phobic. I know I had my share of struggles regarding this. Even my greatest fear is not being loved or not being valued by someone. I've more or less worked those issues out so it doesn't bother me actively, but it was such a struggle to realise that other people's dynamics need not be mine and that I can have a good happy future with someone. I hope A also reaches that point someday. He clearly is craving niceness, that's why he sticks to those folks he considers friends. I actually feel like maybe the lady might be decent but her husband is so fucked. Like what normal guy can possibly be ok with the idea of another man touching his wife?! How?! I don't get it. It actually makes me furious to even think about. Hmmm. 

You know I never thought that I would have a traditional mindset about certain things. But when it comes to relationships, I think I kind of do. Even gender roles. I like knowing that the man in my life is protective of me, and that he takes charge of certain situations. Like not controlling, but definitely protective of me and us and our life in general. And in some sense I like being the source of comfort and niceness in the relationship too. Like dependable and loving and caring. And keeping their feelings and such safe. I take to that role naturally. I also tend to guard what they share with me and keep it to myself. I like that too, just knowing that if it's precious, it should be cherished. I also like the sanctity of keeping whatever is shared between us to myself. That's one covenant I don't like to break, especially for the important stuff. It's weird keeping things from meg mostly haha, she is actually the only one in the world who I'd want to tell anything to anyway. Rest of my friends I don't actually open up to at all. It's nice when guys are able to figure out that balance too. I remember how horrified I was some years ago when that crappy dude had told me some snippet about his family life. It just boggles my mind that he didn't once realise how awful his dad was being to his mom. Like the humiliation of it all. And he just brushed it off like it was just another thing. I truly hate guys who never see whats wrong in their own families like that. And there are many people out there who simply don't, which is so scary. But I guess it showed in his behaviour eventually as well. At the end of the day he was brutally mean just because he didn't get what he wanted and not only was it offbase, but the sheer entitlement of it all was unreal. There's very few people I have actively disliked, and he is one of them for sure. People like him are so self focused and vindictive that they will go around harming others while continuing to think that they are victims and that their behaviour is justified. The complete lack of their self awareness is what absolutely blows my mind tbh. Lol, I'm pretty certain it'll never once cross his mind that I actually consider him and his behaviour awful, I bet he still thinks he was right and I'm some villain. 

Whatever, pathetic. Gives a bad vibe to even think about, and I don't want to. 

But yeah, coming back to M's friend. Man. Just hearing him today made me feel helpless actively. Sometimes I wish I could take away other people's pain or atleast knock some sense into them and tell them life can be good if you choose to make it so. But it's like preaching to a wall. I wonder how M truly feels about it. They deffo seem extremely close, almost familial. Sometimes I want to tell M to take it easy on him though, cuz it's like ... Idk I feel like that dude has seen enough hardships and possibly just needs to be loved in a gentle way. But it's soooo hard to tell guys that lol. They are always the tough love kinds, they just don't listen. Why do men have to be so tough all the time?! M will just make that stubborn face if I tell him to and then do exactly as he pleases just to show me he can. Lmao. Hahhaha yeah, he won't listen. The irony of it is that he is a big ol' softie but he has to be tough on others. Go figure. 

Hmm. Lol. Life is just funny man. This is why I tend to just laugh at problems. It's like sometimes things can get sooooo unbelievably fucked, that in a twisted way it's just funny that it's that messed up lmao. Some people make a big deal of problems but I think a good way to not let them overwhelm you is by learning to just laugh at them. It releases their hold over you and you can cope better. I probably do this around people who I sense are being extra serious too. Haha, some do find that annoying I'm sure. But whatever, if they learnt to laugh at it, then it wouldn't be annoying. Suck it, guys!  On that note, ta! 

Love the smell of checkmate in the morning 😻

Fidelity actually means something to that boy. How nice. I respect that so damn much. One of the key reasons why I feel I have always understood him is cuz I feel like his heart is always in the right place. It's so nice. Mirrors a lot of my values tbh. I was talking to meg mid way and generally we spoke about how it's nice when values align, it's easy to get along with folks and it's true. Never did I think mine might align with someone who I met so out of the blue, but in a lot of ways they do and it's both interesting and endearing. Even that tiny wince when he read that one statement right as I winced reading the same one was just so telling. I've known him for a year now. Whew, that's crazy. 

Hehe... I meant it when I told you I'm glad I found you. And it's reasons like these why I always make an effort for you and I think I always will. I think you are worth it. Not a lot of people I can say that about, but with you I mean it 💯

Can't believe I've come to respect someone whose yt I used to spam with incessant nonsense lmao. And you actually mean something to me as a person too. I was so hesitant to admit that even to myself all this while, but it's true, you do. And it doesn't scare me to admit that anymore. I'm quite happy to infact. Of all the weird plot twists life takes, huh? 

The light is shining on my face, telling me it's time to wake up.

BEGONE LIGHT! I WISH TO SLEEP MORE

Hoity Chop

I don't have too many foods I crave but zomg if you gimme some dumplings I'll just straight up demolish them. Hargows are my fav ooh lar larr! 

I've taken to eating everything with chopsticks now and idk I feel like a total boss eating my one grape with a serious expression and fantasy monocle. 

Chin chin , sir! 

I think I deffo have an affinity for Asian and coastal cuisine. And some bits of middle eastern cuisine too. I love hummus and olives and shakshouka is by far one of my fav styles of eggs. Man, my diet preferences have changed so much over the years. I typically do not enjoy heavy foods at all, but I like charcuterie boards where you can just graze. It was kinda hard to figure out a balance after giving up chicken but I don't miss it, I prefer fish anyway. 

Last night I was reading about Israel and then was checking out local cuisine and found a recipe for Latkes and it looks so mouth watering! A bit like Rostï which I absolutely love, it's so decadent. 

Potatoes are the truly the magicians of the vegetable kingdom. Versatile and yet never disappoint. 

Imma try making latkes tomo woohoo. 

Hehe, I love cooking way more than I like eating, don't I? True. Esp cooking for people gives me a lot of joy. Remains to be seen if my cooking gives other people joy but that's a problem for another day. 

Personality types

Spoke to him and he says he was busy lmao. I bet half of that is a lie but it's okay it's better than having some random nonsense dramatic discussion. I don't want us to have these weird tiffs anymore anyway. What an ass though 🤣. I wasn't feuding it seems. Well, you weren't making up either, were you? Hehe. Oh who cares, it's fine now. 

You know what I think might be the issue between our reaction styles? He tends to react in the moment, the minute he is irritated he just snaps and lets it out. I tend to bottle stuff up so I only snap after I've taken bs from someone for months. So I usually interpret his reaction as " oh he must have been annoyed for ages with me " and then feel way worse than I should. In fact I mostly should not feel bad at all, if that's just him letting off steam. And he mostly sees my reaction as " why is she being so world endy ". 

Hmmm. I'm assuming it might feel stifling for him and it feels scary for me. Interesting. I think this must be the core difference between our personalities. Okay, need to figure a way to navigate this. 

I guess I have to make an effort to not take all this so personally or let it become too huge in my head. And well he should maybe

Ehhhhhhhhh. 

Actually no fuck all that I said.  We should both take the other for granted and know all this snappiness on both sides doesn't matter or the other will leave because of some mistake. No need to overthink, and no need to be fearful. Yep... This is the way. 

Welcome to my life, I suppose. I've decided for good that I want you in it. Hehe. Hope you also come to the same conclusion at some point, I'd love to know you properly. 

Anyway, lets ditch the heaviness and have some fun from now! 🙌

🥺🤺

Omg what a sexy sexy mateeee aaaaaaa 😭😭😭😭.

Nezhmetdinov Games

 Nezhmetdinov - Mikenas 1948

How is the black king there by move 14?! Fuck, I love Nezhmetdinov, I really do. What an attacker! And yet with good play this position  is still on for black 😭. Idk chess is crazy, CRAZY. 

Plus checking out the two pawns attack for the first time...haven't seen that opening ever, very very interesting and sharp. Would love to play it someday. I don't think I have any particular fondness for any opening as such anymore. I stopped playing D4 quite some time back. And with e4 as well I'm currently more or less just looking for attacks and not anything else. Really need to streamline a bit more here. 

Dilemma

Seeing him play post work too. I wonder what's up with him. Haven't seen any tennis updates in ages either. Wanted to say hi but idk. He hasn't said a word since that day so I'll just wait and see if he wants to break the silence. If not, then I suppose I should just leave it alone. No clue why he is being this way. I feel concerned also but like if I ask and he doesn't say then again it'll go in that random loop if he is being moody and then I'll feel bad then rinse repeat. Aiyoooo. We need to fix this for good, one of us has to take the first step 😵. I'm gonna negotiate with him I think. We have to take turns in making up so it doesn't feel imbalanced lol. 

This is all so new for me😅. I legit have no clue what to make of it. Plus I don't get why things have taken such a weird dramatic turn. Hmmm. But I hope it's nothing serious also for him. Ugh. Someday we need to have a proper heart to heart man. Yeah, things will only settle down properly once we both let our guard down with each other. Think it's time we start as well. Cuz hmmm. I'm happy to be supportive and I'm happy to be steady and nice to him, but it can't be lopsided. The strange thing is... I feel like I can actually share pretty much everything with him openly. Never realised it before but I have this weird unspoken trust in him wherein I feel like I don't actually have to hide myself from him. That's interesting. Lol, I think that's why I take him from granted somewhat and even act out when I'm moody so easily. Lmao. Sorry about that yo. 

You live, you learn. Sometimes you yell, other times you stay silent. Hmmm. Do you really live and learn? I'm learning nothing 🚫

Ughhh. Bighug you dodo. Hope you miss me a shit ton too! :) 

Whew. Okay I want to start playing longer games now I better. Man I so wanted to read today instead just played lmao. Total degen behaviour. Want to paint too and I bet I'll just end up doing bs. 😭

Checked out more of Fisher Spassky 72 WC games too. It makes so much sense to watch the games lmao. Feels like " oh yeah hmmm ofcourse ofcourse makes sense " and then when you play by move 7 you are fucked and how. 

But on a serious note. I'm legit falling in love with this game it's so damn mesmerizing. It's taking over a large part of my time now, so I should make sure I atleast get better at it since I'm anyway investing time in it. 

Nice nice. Woot Woot.

GENIUS BABYYYY

 I hit 1900 again wooohooooo 💯💃🕺🙌🎵🤺♥️

Just so awake damn. Not working out is always a bad idea I get so restless and antsy. 2 am run would be funny though, do I dare? 

Girling and Musing

Today was a nice low key day. ☺️ I liked it. Had barely any work to do. Found an old skirt to wear around the house which made me happy. Didn't work out also, just being lazy and waiting around for my chocolate to be delivered so I can pamper myself. Currently lying down on my tummy dangling my legs over the edge of the bed and trying on my new cherry lip balm that makes me look slightly slutty and wondering when tf did I turn into such a girl. Wait lemme take a pic, I can see it again tomo to determine if it indeed is slutty or is it just my smutty mind. 

Oh god NVM I look like the joker from dark knight 💀, delete DELETE 

Side note: wondering if I can act cute and get out of trouble sometimes? I've never tried...how do other women do it? :( these are the real worldly skills someone should have taught me. Who can I blame? Ugg. I want to learn how to bat my lashes and be adorable then I can power trip nicely muhahahhaha. 

Should find some yt tutorials on this, sadly my feed only has stuff like Nietzsche and  Machiavelli and that would be overkill lmao. I don't want to rule a nation, just merely slide my way out of a thing or two. Actually lmc my spectrum. Oh my god 🤣🤣🤣. Ok I love this. I'd forgotten that Kevin vid, top tier. 

Ooo and Van Morrison - Days like this is playingggg. Yaaaay! Feels so GOOOOOOD. What a pretty soooonggg. I have a thing for the sax man. I love it so damn much. I remember when someone at a restaurant once played me Brown Eyed Girl by Morrison cuz I have brown eyes. Lolol. Random silver haired old man in Goa on a Sunday morning brunch, he was sooo sweet and such a nice singer too. And tried to make clumsy me dance haha. Damn I used to have a vid of that, it was heavenly, where did it goooo?

If everyone in the world forgot me today in this very instant, if not a single soul ever missed me again, didn't talk to me again...I think someeeehow... I'll find a way to survive. But take away my music from me...and I think will stop living for reals.

And I wanna rock your gypsy soul

Just like way back in the days of old

Then magnificently we will float

Into the mystic 🎵

I wonder what's my fav Morrison song? Hmmm. Tough. I think it's Someone Like You. Makes it all worthwhile. Or maybe Tupelo Honey. Cuz she's an angel of the highest degree. Okay I can't choose no waaay no sirrreeee! 

Just rage quit a game fuck me..ugh. I fucking hate losing so damn muchhhhhhhh

Mother fuckerrrrrrr just wanna scream bc

Dependability

Was speaking to P and N last night. They have come so far in life as a couple. Both have grown as people, and two kids later actually form an idea of a nice family for me. I especially love how supportive N is. He was telling me how his choices now are diff since they have kids and how he sleeps early, chooses not to stay out too late cuz he has to take care of the baby and in general be present for P. I love it man. I love how responsible and reliable he has become. To be honest, I love guys like that. When you can trust them to pull their own weight and come through for you. Lets you have peace of mind. Even Di was telling me how G was making her food cuz she felt sick. I feel G does a looot for her too. It's always these small ways in which people express their love and concern that creates dependability, doesn't it? I think that's a fear most women carry while wanting to pick partners too. You always know that when you decide to create a life with someone, you will need that person to come through for you when you are preggers or have kids to raise etc. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to do it alone. I have seen first hand how it can drive you nuts to handle all the emotional load by yourself. I remember that one conversation I had with a friend where he described something about his family and how his dad treats his mom. He said it so casually and I was shocked at how he simply didn't see what a humiliating position his mum was in. Idk if it's societal conditioning or what but oh man. It was awful. 

Sometimes I see my choices and it hits me that they were so juvenile you know. I always tried to be mature and thoughtful when it came to others in my life. I gave people way too much leeway. And the end result simply was that I never gave someone else the opportunity to come through for me. And rn if I were to be honest? Do I know anyone who would? Will they put me first and be steady for me when I need them to? Idk. 

When it comes to men, I don't think I care about them being flashy or anything like that. The externals don't particularly matter to me too much. But having the ability to give me emotional security and a feeling of "I got you, don't worry", is of paramount importance to me. I don't want to be the one doing the work and the one taking the hits to boot, it's exhausting. And that's the thing I've noticed around all happy marriages. The guys pull their weight always. They'll have fun and do stupid shit but the women in their lives always have that peace of mind about their partners having their backs. It's the one thing even I'm looking for. 

I want people like N around me man. Ones who are just default reliable and who know how to handle things and be nice. Life always has enough stressors, but it gets easier to deal with them when you have quality company, doesn't it? And I miss it dude, I miss people being good to me. Even a little bit of sweetness feels nice and I really want that in my life as well.

Lol, I can't believe how after so many years that guy I knew in uni who would get shitfaced and do stupid shit all the time has turned out to be such a strong man. The way he rounds out P is genuinely so lovable to me. Really proud of you dude. I can't believe you have become one of the benchmarks of what makes a good life partner for me, you hoe. But you have, and I'm glad she found you and I'm glad your babies have two amazing parents who will look out for them and give them a happy home. More than anyone, babies deserve that and you two are deffo going to be rockstars in this department. 

Reading about the ongoing conflict and it is so devastating. Everywhere I see people posting about it and idk words just fail me here. I hope M is doing okay, I don't even know what to express or how so I won't but I hope he is fine. Man. Genuinely just don't know what to say. 

Chess

Both bishops are bad so do not open files... Look at me trying to understand positional chess. I'm a total genius. 

Interesting though, I need to look at this position and see what can be the best move cuz it's usually ones like these I blow by overplaying. Idk the best move here yet. 

Edit: I opened files. Genius verdict might be premature. 😒

Oooh but this one felt good

Ugh so the one thing I am noooot doing and what most people in this range don't either is completely not thinking of opponent moves in some situations. It's just making your own plan and calc but not thinking of counters. Need some training here. Istg I need to learn to move the pieces on the board by myself. 

Man, I want to be atleast 2000 rated for reals. I'm pretty sure it's possible, just gotta build some consistency and break through with thinking patterns and blocks.

Accountability

I'm glad I started journaling. It helps me get my first and more extreme reactions out, and lets me find some balance. What's been sticking out to me the most these past few months is how much fear can influence me and make my reactions extreme. 

But on a positive side, it's been helping me let go of it as well and choosing more moderate approaches. One of the leaps of faith I've chosen to take is to not project the ghosts of my past experiences on folks now. Hopefully I'm doing a decent job of it so far. I don't mind the hard work, I just want to make sure I'm not unfair to anyone in my life because of it that's all. 

A decade ago I started writing in this little hidden corner of the internet with the intention of being completely honest with myself and saying things exactly how I feel so I practice self honesty. And now it's evolved to a point... especially this year...to be like a dear diary of sorts that helps me stay accountable to myself and others. Nice. 

I'd love to share it with someone someday though, wonder if I'll have the courage for it. Actually not courage, trust. I want to trust someone to share it with them, especially now that it's actually more personal and not just about worldly musings. Yeah. I'd like that. I'd shared a couple of things from here with folks earlier at some point but I don't think I'd want them in my space now, most definitely not. It would be intrusive asf. So far only Meg is a person I'd blindly be okay with. Hmmm. Maybe even M someday. But he still has ways to go until I trust him fully... actually no he doesn't. I do trust him, funnily enough. Completely. I've always known that he has the discretion and discernment to keep what's important to me to himself. And I know he will treat it with care and I'm safe with him. Funny. Currently feuding with him but I trust him a 💯 too lmao. Awww. Shit, I actually doooooo. Omgggg!! Okay this is so nice. Love you lots yo, feeling a huge surge of affection for you.♥️ Fight is still on, but whatever, I absolutely love you too. 🤺 ( just wish you'd learn to break the ice with me though, even if you think you are right, don't be so dug in that I simply get scared and stay away thinking you don't care at all. :( )

I used to think sharing this will be a big deal, cuz it would mean I'm sharing my most real self and I'll have to continue to be real so it will be intimidating to have another person in that space. But it actually just isn't scary at all, it's quite nice and feels natural. Yaay! That's amazing! I love it. 

Hmmm who else? I'm okay with him and I'm okay with Meg but I won't be okay with Di or anyone else tbh. So I don't trust Di fully to enter this space for me. Interesting. Also interesting is why tf do all people in my life have their names starting with M. Lmao. So random. Even my coffee mug has the letter M on it, but to be fair I took it from mom. And my stupid tattoo which is supposed to have a crown in a circle instead looks like an M in a circle. And I've referred to myself as 'Me' since I was 12 or something, literally been my signoff for decades now. Wonderful 💀 

Okay I'm hungry bye

Been working a bit on my book idea and was tweaking it a little and as I was plotting it out, I realised my fear of failure is completely gone. Fuck. That's so cool. Finally. 💪🏼

🥺

 Somedays I love playing chess ♥️

🤣

 

Why is it that when you are mad at someone, you also want to bang them nicely?

You know... Sometimes I just want to like... Ugh. Even at the height of annoyance a part of my brain is like fuck I want you in me. 

The amount of power some people can have over me is shameful.  SHAMEFUL. 💀🙄🤬

~

I EVISCERATED HALF MY EYEBROW BY MISTAKE WTF OMGGGG  😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Relief

Finally periods are abating and I'm feeling better. Was talking to Di and she was like she ends up having a fight with her husband around the time she has hers. Fuck. Lmao. I shouldn't laugh but dammit this is so relatable. I end up feeling so over sensitive and sad around the time I get mine. Invariably I cry or become kinda needy. I want to be babied a lil bit and indulged. It's okay to want that one day a month, right? :( sometimes guys do end up bearing the brunt of this huh? Oh maaaan. 

I think I need to chill and not overthink. Been doing that a lot huh? Why, P? Why always so scared of making mistakes? It's okay, life is fine and so are you and things will fall into place. And you are good, my darling. Don't worry so much about getting everything right all the time. Save a lil love for yourself too. And buy yourself some chocolate next time lol. They help. 

Sometimes I wonder what happened to the woman in me who was so rational and level headed who never took bs? I've become such a softie. Not sure how I feel about that. Ehhhhhh. But it's okay. All I've ever done all my life is try to be strong so if this one year I am erratic then it's cool. I'm finding my balance and I'm sure this will help me make solid decisions in the years to come. Change isn't easy, but I will make it happen. 

Blast from the past

Lmaoooo... The coffee making seminar I attended hahahahha. The amount of nonsense we do ♥️

Why am I fucking losing every gammmeeee?!!! Aaaaaaaa. So goddamn frustrating 

Losing to 1600s now FML. I am so fucking mad rn

Nezhmetdinov Polugaevsky

Were all these older players just brutal attackers?! One of the craziest king walks I've seen on the board and the queen development for black was so quick. Insanity. White had no shot, the attack was relentless from the get go. 

Nezhmetdinov - Polugaevsky 1958

The irony of checking this while tanking your rating to 1700 in a single day lmao

Proposals

You know when a man asks you to marry him, how the custom is to go down on one knee? I think it's quaint and a lovely symbol of honouring the woman and showing her value. I get that. But I also think that I'd love for the man in my life to stand tall, and be the partner in his life that inspires him to do better and hold himself to higher standards and in general just come into his own in a stable way. However, I hate the idea of being "above" someone. Like... Idk how to articulate it but I've never liked the idea of a guy being under your thumb or worshipping you as if he has to thank his stars that he has you. I remember once my ex friend told me she is the sun in her husbands' universe and it made me want to vomit at the thought that someone can be so arrogant or want a partner whose only purpose you perceive to be revolving around you. How will you ever respect such a person? Any equation lacking mutual respect is kinda reprehensible to me.

Plus, being supportive of someone is a huge part of my personality and it feels nice to be the emotional rock in a relationship in my own way. I like that role in peoples' lives. Haha, funny I say that when I'm so emotional myself that sometimes I'm the one causing the storms. I'm definitely capable of causing upsets in my own quest for relevance. But hey that's for the other person to calm for me. To an extent atleast. Obviously I don't want to be giving someone grief for no rhyme or reason, but I think I do that only when I am lacking a sense of emotional security. Guess sometimes it takes a while to trust and find balance. I need to watch out for times I do that though, maybe work towards more transperancy atleast so I don't blindside someone out of the blue. I think I've been guilty of doing that. :( Aiyo. 

Perspective kinda sucks esp when it shows you where you've been going wrong lol. But I'm not perfect and these are all moments that are coming up for me cuz I'm trying my utmost to change my life and actually conceptualise and create a future that's free of my past. It takes time and I have to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for falling short sometimes. Plus idk I guess in the recent past when I have been emotional it's also cuz I've perceived a lack of care from the other persons' end and so that upset my balance too. And that's the part they need to correct, not me. I'm not gonna over give and I'm also not going to settle for zero giving from them. That much I'm clear on. All said and done, it takes two to tango. 🕺💃

Hmmm. And when someone does propose to me, I'd like him to not be on his knees, but rather just standing close, holding my hand and telling me he loves me and sees me in his future. I think I'd looove that or some variation of that. I don't want anything fancy, I just want to be sure that I'm loved. Ooh and maybe play me a nice song too. Hehe. Yes, we need music for sure. And then I'll definitely cry buckets. Better carry a handkerchief with you when you do ask me that question I suppose, we will need it. 

Edit: Rereading this and I have to remind myself of one thing - In a quest to not repeat past mistakes, or dealing with your own fears, do not make things hard for new people or project your fears on them. You can't forget to be cognizant of their feelings or assume that your actions have no impact on them... Can't have a no faith policy like that. And ummm. If you have to be honest with yourself... even though you are a bit salty at M... you know he has always tried to show you that he is a caring person and a nice person so don't assume the worst about him either, trust that he is being as transparent as he can allow himself to be currently. It's not fair to dump on him or judge him. Not saying that you have, P. But just be mindful and don't be a dick and when he does reach out, which he will at some point...BE NICE! Don't be dramatic, it's time both people learnt to stabilise this equation and stopped having these weird trust issues. Pretty sure he cares about you and kinda also sure that he might be as paranoid as you are of being close to someone so give him the space he needs and let him have his own reactions and catch him when he needs you to as well. He seems like someone who has gone through a lot of hurt himself, and you know he is a sensitive soul, so hmmm. In all honesty, as hurt as you have been in the past, there's something so naive in him that he probably was hit a lot harder than you. He is practical about worldly things but emotionally I'm not sure. Think you might be more emotionally practical than him, so anyway cut him slack. I'm sure he knows you like and accept him for who he is, so don't worry that he might think otherwise. 

Lol, you better be worth all this trouble I'm taking for you, sucka! And it's time you learnt to appreciate me the right way too, cuz I won't wait forever and I won't settle for bare minimum either. 🤷‍♀️