No creatine and I feel so much better today zero headache or dehydration. Useless substance. Good I'm ditching it. 

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Man, I have to legit give some credit for some of the life changes I've made like no drinking, more discipline etc in a teeny way to M. He made me want to be more responsible. Hehe. I still remember when I first came around him and realised a few things which kinda made me want to grow up. I didn't really give a shit about anything properly before that. I suppose being responsible towards someone is a very ingrained part of my love language. Even watching him be sooooo sensitive made me feel shocked at first, but then it made me want to be sweet to him and kinda baby him lol. Not in a way where I thought less of him, but more in like... 'hey I do think well of you, why don't you see that?' Kinda way. I was fairly protective of him. And lord knows I would noooot have been that patient with anyone else. 

But it's not a good thing to have to lower standards to accomodate someone's behaviour. I would not have thought highly of anyone else if they behaved like that. That's true too, I am used to people that are free and open, and honest to a large degree. I suppose that's as good a reason to have walked as the many others he presented me lol. Maybe some people come by to trigger a change in you, which can be a good thing. Changes can stick, even if you can't. Oh well. He can have a happy life with his tinder and his urge to devalue everyone I guess. 

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Lol. I started the thought with wanting to give him credit but then like... Eff that. I'll change for myself and be responsible for me. 🖕🏼🖕🏼🙄🙄🖕🏼🖕🏼I'm sure his twitch girls and whoring around will suffice in that dept, no need for me to unnecessarily give any. Meh.

Yeah well. If I had ever done all the shit he did, I'm sure the hatred would have been through the roof so despite it all, I'm deffo still a lot kinder than anyone else would have been, if the roles were reversed. Ergo there's room for more spitefulness 💪🏼😁. 

I just don't hate him enough, or at all for that matter. I think that's what I actually hate... That I don't dislike him much lol. Ugh. I know that this urge to poke and needle definitely means I still give a shit. Heh. Well, the day I don't, I'll simply forget him entirely. I don't yearn for that day, if I had, it would have been here already. Against my better judgement ofc. 😬

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I used to be this naive kid who felt like I should only love someone once, properly. And I refused to give my heart out to just anyone. I've never been all in towards anyone tbh. And then life happened and it taught me about my own naivety. How very sad. I hope my periods are round the corner, they are a tad bit late this time. Probably explains the urge to weep also hehe. A sprinkle of sadness which is a lie cuz it's just hormones. How I try to stand outside myself like an observer sometimes. Yeah well, I'm not very emotive irl so atleast I can keep this space for my dramatics. Noone ever knows how I feel anyway. 

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And so it goes, as vonnegut had reminded us. 

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Periods just arrive already pls... Being emo is a drag. And missing people also sucks ass