Played a lot and now took another pill like a heathen. Really need to sleep it off. Yawnssss. 

My body cannot even handle this much medication just decides to sleep it off lol. 

~

Ugh have to meet m in the evening and discuss issues lmao. God, after so long it's been this way. Well. I suppose coming clean and putting everything on the table might be the right course of action. Let's see what she has to say. Ugh. God I dislike confrontations sooooo much! Like SOMUCH. why can't the world just fix itself on its own? 😕

Bleh. 

~

Hmmm. I did tell her. She knows I don't like her bf. I know she felt super bad about some stuff. What I don't get is... Hmmm. Ugh. She is soooo into that dude man. Like. I suppose her mind is super tied to him. I feel like when someone shows a person care when they don't feel loved then it just gets too hard for them to see flaws. That's so tragic dude. But I suppose if she does genuinely feel loved then it's okay? Hmmm. Idk man. I legit don't. I guess the hope just is that he isn't too bad. Atleast not as much as I think he is. 

Love is a very strange thing. We insist on loving people who make us feel important and happy. Atleast some people do. The fear in this is always... What if the wrong person is being nice and we fall for them? Well. 

Heh. Life is strange what to do. Ironically, I too am holding out for niceness. But niceness in the real sense. 

How can she thinks a dude pretending to be deaf when she speaks to him is not doing it deliberately? " All other times he listens " like come on man. Wdymmmmm. 😭

I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine ignoring a man I love cuz I'm busy with something. I'd just say hey gimme a min. That's not tough at all. 

~

I feel super duper confused man. I really do. And I don't feel great about this.  The sad thing is she used to tell me M is a terrible guy and super uncaring towards me. And she was right and I believed her. So I don't get how she doesn't see this in her own life. :( okay but that's unfair. M has never done a thing for me. C isn't thaaat uncaring. That's unfair for me to compare. None of this feels good tbh. And it's not like I don't miss M either, I do. So I get that sometimes we just care about people that are horrid to us lol. I know I've been super weak when it comes to him as well. Like super weak. But I did finally say enough is enough and walked away. And I still fear being weak when it comes to him tbh. I know that I genuinely miss him too. I wish that wasn't the case. Cuz... Internally... I want to feel like people that are special to me are my strengths. How I have wished I could say that M was the best person ever because he treated me with care and not someone who finally made me understand what being brown means. A statement I had never even conceptualized until I got to know him? Even as I type this I wish I was horribly wrong about it. Yet I didn't even recieve a half decent apology or a simple... Hey are you doing okay? So yeah, whatever. Fuck it. 

Heh. All I ever wanted was to know that people I care about are in my corner and would do the world for me. I want to feel safe in the knowledge that I'm safe with them. Oh well. We can't have it all, huh? 

I feel like crying sooooo bad, but you know what?  Fuck that too. 

~

People be puzzling yo. 

And it was so intense both of us had tears. Lol. In a brightly lit pub no less. Atleast for the right people these tears be flowing. Hehe. For once. Idk what the future brings but good luck to us all. Amen.