In the last three years, I've lost two family members. Everytime I visit my family house and see my aunt's picture there I just recall her emaciated face and what cancer can do to someone. Someone else has it too now. I guess I have some latent sense of grief regarding both too. That's the thing man. People leave us, but not really. 

One day I will die too. As you grow older that fact becomes more real. They say it's morbid to think about it all and maybe it is. But these last couple of years have really pushed me to consider this fact cuz at the back of my mind I'm wondering hey what if it happens to me? And there's another question in my mind, one that just breaks my heart and I don't want to visit it. :( hmmm. It's okay. Maybe people who love me might miss me. If they love me that is. Who knows? Heh. Well, some others can be relieved they don't have to tell me they heard me often on vns lol. Haha. That's also true. Yin and yang I suppose. Must have been scared when I accidentally dialled after grandmum died too na. And he knew she died too, still didn't care. Atleast wasn't updating statuses then, but sometimes we slip oops. Bragging about talking oh just yesterday! to some random lady but couldn't be bothered to be nice once to someone who was actually good to him. Haha, kudos...values doth shine, don't they? Well, no worries I'll never be around again, let alone call. 

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Meh. Takes all sorts to fill up the world. But hey, someone turning me into a brown person that makes a white one uncomfortable... that is not what I ever signed up for in life. Honestly never a day I thought I'd ever see, let alone have to endure. What a complete disgrace. And shame on me for not seeing it for what it is sooner. For that, I alone am to blame. 'lol' was a response to that iirc. I will remember that next time I feel like making excuses for him. Anyway running out of any manipulations since I called them out probably playing one of those leela bots is left. And I know him well enough to know it'll happen soon. Well, in all fairness I know this cuz I end up missing him at the same rate probably. I will concede that. Meh. Whatever. That missing is also part of my flawed thinking which refuses to completely buy into the idea of him being monstrous. Evidence be damned lol. No more bait and no more rope for anything manipulative. Is this who his parents raised him to be? Just hurt people and then hide? Heh. I thought even deadbeat dads sometimes show up lol. Maybe not. 

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Life is way too short ya. And you never know what might happen. It's simply not wise to go around collecting bad experiences and having someone hurt you again and again in what little time you have. Best to tread your own path and stick to things that make you happy.  I don't particularly care anymore about anything but I would like to be able to finish some stuff I'm working on. That would be nice. I know I'm a good writer when I try. Heh. Funny no. I always cheered on this one's work but when I sent something just the once he haaaad to ignore it. Then came here to see if I was upset or not. I couldn't even believe how petty someone needs to be to do that. Anyway, all these are just shit memories, look forward to forgetting them all. Noone of this is fair to me or has been and I'm sick of it all, esp manipulations never ever again will I respond to anything that's not directly said to me. Lost me for good but atleast I've learnt my lesson in never allowing meanness and toxicity in my life. A heartfelt goodbye to it all. Heh. Leaving it as I found it. Simping for women. Back to what one does best eh? Lol. A full circle. 

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I don't want this to be the sum total of life experiences either. What I have felt over the last couple of years is truly, mind-blowingly rock bottom and I do not want to revisit that area ever again. Maybe it's a form of midlife crisis but honestly this all is just way too sad for me to want to resign at this spot tbh. I'd like things to be better and I'd like to make active choices to make them better. I guess I've more or less learnt to prioritise substance and character in people and I shall look only for that going forward. I suppose the knowledge that you might die can be used for good. It's sobering to know it, but it can help you create a north star if you want. Let's give it a go.