Shadows

Seeing Kyrgios crying after his wrist injury. For a moment I felt a bit bad for him. But that moment passed and irritation set in. I just hate what he represent. I respect sports and athletes a lot. Endurance sports are my own personal preference. The mental aspect of it is what I love because of its brutality and demand for discipline. Seeing a man like kyrgios. Just trying to fly on "generational talent" etc. is so loathsome to me. The lack of discipline, the drinking, the sleeping late, no care about fitness and then wanting the tag of swashbuckler who didn't try but could have been great if he did. All of it I dislike. People like this are noisy and make themselves out to be more than they are. But that weak mentality is always their undoing. I would have felt empathy if it was genuine struggle or if he were trying but this stuff is just childish whining to me, and one of the few things I look on with such hardness in my heart. There must be some kind of reason why I dislike it as well. 

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I think I just hate erraticness as well. Like I look down on it. I've always hated it when people lose control and snap all the time or just ... Idk like lack any semblance of command over their choices. It feels like seeing an alcoholic or an addict who just can't help themselves and idk ... Something about that isn't appealing to me at all. I always feel like you gotta try to be better, you gotta try to do well, you gotta more than anything have self control and self censoring. 

When I dated that semi abusive dude many moons ago. I recall not being afraid of him but just annoyed and disdainful at his outbursts and general lack of consistency. Lol. Damn, it's one of the few times in life I was just like yuck. And I realised at the time that men like that are so weak I would never like them, just look down on them. 

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I guess in the end it's not really Kyrgios I dislike I don't know him. But the persona he embodies, the characteristics... All of that is something that's kinda repulsive to me. I like rooted, grounded folks that can do the grind and not take their bullshit out on others around them. It's the only respect worthy trait. Whining, whinging, out of control ego that just a front for massive insecurity. All of it is just so 🤢. Sheesh, just work on yourself. 

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A lot of this might be my shadow side. Or maybe psychology is all a hoax so we buy their books.