........

Still feel gutted idk what to do.

Just this Jan I had had this thought about how life is short... And how anything can happen. And I had felt so bad about that thing then ... And now ... It's like... Idk man. It's so scary to know L has this and she was at the end of the day a person I've cared about fuck. 

Almost half my life I've hated her. Hated her for betraying me behind my back, for trying to take away people I loved, for constantly... Constantly being that one person who serially hurt everyone I've been close to. And now she has a disease she may not recover from. And I don't know what to do rn. I just don't. 

Idk. Just mindlessly playing chess 

I'm so lost rn