Hmmm. 

I felt a bit of fear. I did. After a long time. I know it's silly to, but still for a moment I did. 

I want to be treated well, with softness and kindness and respect. Softness is paramount. So is respect. Even if I'm wrong about everything else, if he cared about me, he wouldn't have had a problem saying hi or have taken so long to do it. It should have been the first thing he thinks of doing, not the last. 

That's just all there is to it, really. And this realisation makes me very, very sad lol. And I feel so alienated too. Like giving me importance is the same as pulling teeth for him lol. He doesn't value me at all. And wants to show me that for some reason. Okay then, got it. All of this is just wrong behaviour. And definitely not good towards me. I don't know if all those people who say he doesn't care about people are right or not but in the end I can't unsee the fact that he is being deliberately mean to me. And I didn't even do anything to him so idk is it for fun? 🤷‍♀️ God knows. 

~

Heh. All of this is just saaaaad. 

Anyway blah. How long will I also give a shit, beyond a point all this behaviour just gets tiresome.

~

And I have to remember this. Being a woman, it's very important to be only around men who respect you. Not ones who want to strip you of your dignity or your pride or make you feel small and unimportant etc. And he is 41 now. That's a full grown man, and if he wants to make someone feels like they are nothing etc. etc. then it's just quite toxic tbh. 

As guys grow up, mature... They understand how to be nice, how to be there for you and at the end of the day you should feel safe. Not have someone just jump to treating you like you don't exist two years after knowing you. Destroying your sense of security on a whim, and not just that but to take offence at something random and then to go ballistic like this is very flippant. To do that to someone who has actively shown you value and care is just quite unreal. 

Like even thought of saying congrats yesterday then I realised hey that just gives him more opportunity to ignore me or keep me waiting or treat me badly and I realised right at that moment that I simply don't trust him anymore. Or rather, I trust that far from having my back and coming through for me, he would just use any opportunity to try and hurt me if he feels like it. I don't think he has any loyalty towards me. 

Hmmm. All the while I'm having this conversation with myself to order my thoughts, the fact is that after two years of being there for someone, that person didn't bother to once reach out on their own. 

So yeah, okay. I guess it's time to just accept he doesn't care about me at all. 

~