The worst thing you can do, when you are already getting pms and cramps ... Is to further listen to lectures about monstrous personality disorders lmao. 

Hooooeee leeee fuukkkk. 

And couple that with coffee and you have a wonderful recipe for feeling wired asf. Hahaha

It's like sitting and contemplating nonsense. Like okay cunts exist, big fucking deal. 

Be like the Irish. Flip off every can't with a U and pull an Aussie to boot with a g'day cunt. 

Salud. 

~

Oh and lady whose lectures I saw who kept giving me anxiety... Fuck you. So what if narcissists exist. You speak of them like they are voldemorts and not sad little people themselves. They don't get to dictate your future. Crush them and move on. Sheesh. So much fear mongering. 

~

My fundamental issue with even listening to these is actually just that you can't label every second asshole as someone who has no empathy. I know why I'm so rigid about observing whether someone has it or not. 

Hmmm. Well, it's honestly only because of that one night with A. Where he left me bleeding, and didn't check up on me even once. Then called me two days later and just acted like nothing happened and told me... You'll get used to it. 

That one instance made me very fearful because it was I guess the first time in my life I faced the idea that someone can harm you, and not even register that they did, let alone take accountability for it. I'm sure I'm not even judging it as harshly as I should actually be doing it. He was just a rebound and I would never actually settle for someone like him but it didn't help that knowing him made me so fearful either. Not just him but people like L, A etc... they were really harmful people and my innate assumption that people are fundamentally good just got destroyed knowing them. Giving me silent treatment, berating me, being mean or simply choosing to not acknowledge or get jealous of me at any moment I do well was quite toxic to deal with. I just don't want any of this any longer. 

And ever since then, that one thought in my mind is very paramount. And it's a simple thing. Who shows me empathy and care? Who is supportive and happy for me if I do well? These very simple things. Unfortunately these past experiences also made me be hyper alert around M too. He was the first new person I was befriending and I was very sure I didn't want any toxic traits in someone I wish to trust. 

And sometimes I don't know how right or wrong I was. When he gets all egoistic and starts to get dug in and a bunch of other things he did I didn't like to be honest. You can't conflate being sweet and caring to losing personal value which I feel he kinda does. Still, those are his demons and his battles I will not engage with them, he is older than me and he can choose to figure that out on his own or not. For my part, I don't want to straight up think extraordinarily harsh things about him due to it. But yes, what I will acknowledge is that he hasn't particularly been caring towards me. Didn't even respond to the story I wrote and it was a sweet thing I did which he didn't acknowledge. I lost some respect and care that day I think. And what's the worst that will happen? In the long run, behaviour like this only serves to lose any goodwill anyone has towards you. That's all. Seeking to invalidate someone is not a nice thing to do. 

However, it's also not fair for me to want him to feel safe with me and have a harsh take on him so I let the latter go and didn't let fear cloud my judgement after that day. Tiffs can happen, conflict is natural at times but it can't go to an extent that's deeply harsh either. That limit I will not break again, and should he do something that makes me feel horrible, I will let him go. I would like to be fair to myself too. And my feelings, my pride, my respect will not be compromised in a bid to accomodate someone. If you want to lose me this way, then so be it.  I will not stay around someone who doesn't treat me well. Sad that I have to spell out my bottom line even after two years of knowing him though. That's not good. 

~

I don't really want anything fancy in life. I don't care how much money someone earns, and I don't care about fancy corporate titles or anything of the sort. I care about people who are grounded, who try their best sure... But more importantly who are kind to others. Not fake kindness but something that's intrinsic. 

Some of the stuff she said was sooooo upsetting to be honest. Like they can never be happy for you, if you succeed they'll do everything to bring you down, atmost they'll just ignore any of your successes or anything about you that threatens their idea of themselves and fuck. It was exhausting and heartbreaking to hear. I don't think I can endure something like this ever, I'll simply die of the ensuing depression lmao. 

Yeah well, she is right about a lot of things in general though. Like I do not know how deeply ingrained being bad is in a person, but if someone lacks simple gestures like kindness, consideration... And those are easy to spot.  

~

Well, I'm not beholden to anyone and I will resign at the first red flag I see. People can be who they want to be, I have a duty to protect myself and I will see it through. I refuse to be around someone who invalidated me or isn't caring idgaf who they are. I owe that to myself and I will not let myself down here any longer.