Resolutions

The heavy conflict I felt made me go over all the times I spent with her since childhood. Spoke to a bunch of people as well. I decided not to reach out. It was a tough decision but as decisions go, this week made me realise how much hurt she caused me all my life. To a point where I'm just simply not able to entertain the idea of even checking in with her. It's just so sad that I feel this way but it's almost like a phobia of letting her in my vicinity. I know it's unreasonable but my mind is just like...You know she will just screw you over given half an opportunity again. And I can't go through that kinda pain and havoc ever again. 

I've never actively tried to screw anyone over. But I start to maintain my distance when I see someone attempt to harm me. With her, I gave her a lot of chances and at each turn, she always tried to hook up with someone I cared about or cause trouble between my close friends and I. Some psychopathic reason that leads her to try and be the girl in every man's life I guess. And then just cheat on all of them. Lol. And I can imagine her doing exactly that in the future too. A iago, if ever there was one. 

You aren't a good person L. You just aren't. All the people that were close to her... All of us... Everyone has the same conflict, esp the women around her. Pretty sure N would not want to reach out either. 

I still feel a lot of conflict. She was my childhood bff, someone I cared about a lot. And yet. It now feels like I was a fool for doing so. Maybe I wouldn't have hated her as much as I do, had I stood up for myself or called out all this shit. But a friend should not have done these things in the first place. The image of her cozying to J is so burned in my mind that I simply cannot forgive or forget this. It is what it is. 

It's not as if she reached out on her own. She could never take that responsibility or make an effort. Atmost just would manipulate others to try and come off as a victim and force the person to talk... But simply won't reach out to people on her own... Standard... "I got busy yaaa" kinda excuse to everyone like she is somehow more important than everyone else around. Well, you weren't. You were just full of yourself and people eventually left you alone because it's such a sad, loser person trait to be honest. People figure that shit out easily, and it makes you a bit of a laughing stock in the end. 

You know ... That is something I will never understand. Is it really that fundamentally important to be seen as superior for some folks? Do they not value just being seen as nice? Or is their self esteem so fragile that it shatters at the thought  of even reaching out on their own? I guess maybe it is. Their loss. Noone will eventually give their time to people who treat them badly. It's just a truth of life. L found that out the hard way. Everyone who loved her, was close to her left. Today, despite cancer... most don't want to come around her. People who are nice, who value themselves, who have integrity... They simply won't cater to this tbh. And in the long run you will lose them and their respect. That's just how it is. Life isn't a zero sum game, eventually things catch up to us. I guess some people figure that out sooner than others.