Pride

It's funny how I can't bring myself to hate the guy lol. Talking normally now. He also seems chill lol. So weird dude. Our equation is just strange in that neither of us quits on the other, and yet there is no proper transparency still between us. It disturbs me but I've stopped thinking about it. I guess it bothers me cuz I've seen what most people in his circle seem to think about women, like they are all scammy or want something or the other from guys. It's a v weird perspective, one that I hadn't encountered before. Maybe that's what coming from diff worlds means. My circle is all engineers and all women work and make money of their own so noone has ever been subjected to that kinda thinking. I'm so glad tbh. Made me realise how fucked it is and how badly the world can look at you just cuz you are a girl. And that's what the crux of the issue is for me cuz at the back of my mind I'm not certain he thinks well of me or not. I always took him on good faith, and there's never been a time I've asked him for anything or anyone else for that matter. So it never occured to me that there can be skepticism regarding me in his mind and the very thought is so abhorrent to me. It's the first time in my life someone has made me feel that and it's so fucking gross. Anyway, he should not have spoken to me ever if he thought even once that I wasn't trustworthy. I wouldn't have. I made the choice that night long ago after reading that trash about him that I believe in him being decent and I've always treated him well and without any bias. I deserve the same in the end. See that's the thing. Feelings being hurt I can and will always forgive. But my pride and self respect isn't something you can come after, that's simply a no no. And he needs to figure that on his own, I don't want to influence that in any way cuz these are decisions that only come from within. I'll give in to every demand and whim if I care about you, but I cannot part with my integrity for even you, that's just non negotiable. And a good man would never ask me to. So okay. It is what it is for now.

What can I say? Que sera sera:)