Wow... Okay. Lol. I legit have nothing to say to this. I don't get it, but it's just hmmm. Idk. Guess it is what it is. 

Lol. Funnily enough I'm neither mad nor angry. I'm just fine and I'm glad we spoke. I hated not speaking to him, just hated it. 

Weirdly enough it wasn't a dishonest conversation. It baffles me why saying hi is such a big deal to him. I know he isn't trying to be mean, he is just idk... Being himself I guess. And I was never looking to force an equation that doesn't exist. I just legit felt we were good friends. And we are. Which is why it's so surreal and strange. I mean, I get if we hadn't known each other at all, but we have for over a year and a half now. That's a long time. And not being on the show shouldn't change that. I actually prefer to be friends outside of it anyway, I don't like having so many people around who might want to second guess xyz things. It's v intrusive and strange to me. My friendships are all one on one. And the show isn't something I can be on forever, it's his work and I don't want to interfere there. So idk. I guess going forward if there is still a friendship that remains then we might have to figure a way around it if he also wants that. But it's up to him. I'm tired of feeling like I have to do the work. When he says "I'll do what I want", he should realise that not doing that thing can make me feel insignificant. If roles were reversed, would he have liked it if I said that to him? He would have haaated me and how. Lol. I am very fond of him and I'd like him to be an actual, active part of my life...but I don't want to mix the show thing and friendship. It doesn't work for me. I've always been the type to have an equation that's straightforward and that whole work knowing things is too strange. I don't want that at all. So anyway, I'll let it be. If he feels like it, he can figure what he would like and if there is some middle ground. And he also has to pull his weight without being prompted, but maybe he doesn't understand what that means for me. And he will. He isn't an idiot, he will figure. But it's okay, in due time these things can be learnt sometimes there are hiccups. Plus even in friendships there needs to be legitimacy. That's fair and not even a tall ask..its just weird that he assumed I was saying call me over insta. Like no. Talk to me properly and be normal and treat me like a whole person. I'm not some stray dog you throw scraps to. It's strange that he feels like I'm asking him to part with something precious. Ironically he is someone I consider precious and I've done a lot to make sure he feels safe and nice with me. Felt gutted when he said he thought I didn't wanna talk to him. Like wtf. How can he ever think I wouldn't? After all this while how tf can that thought even cross his mind? I've always been there for him, always. He should be able to take that for granted by now. And I will be too. I like openness and between us there shouldn't be any need to have weird facades. And I deserve and want kindness and legitimacy, it's not a lot to ask for any more. I've also done my part, so I won't question myself here. I'm sure he understands. I trust him, he will figure it out. Actually feel happy saying that. :) and I just want a sweet, simple equation with him, that's all. No bullshit, no drama... Just laugh about stuff, ask about day, generally discuss sports yadayada. Nothing complicated. 

I'm actually feeling quite light hearted too now. Atleast there's no bad blood on either side. I hope he feels the same way too. And I owe him an apology for acting the way I did. 

So cheers. Let's smile, life is sunny and good. Have lots of other stuff to do, so should get busy with that. Hopefully all this sorts itself out and blows over. Not a child it seems. Ofc you are, but that's part of the reason why you are so precious, so don't change it ever. Love you lots.