Relief

I was wondering about why people sabotage equations. I feel like some people have just met or rather entertained such awful people in their life that they simply don't allow for good people to enter. And when they sense someone is good, they want to test them and not make them relevant to a point where the good person will be like ok enough I'm outta here. And then person 1 just feels bad but it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. It sucks, but I think even I was in those kinda loops a lot of the times. I'd be friends with people that were harmful or people I was afraid of in some sense because it was familiar. Speaking about my feelings was a no no cuz I thought they wouldn't be honoured. And toxic folks do that, they make you feel small and don't want you to have any sense of self cuz that doesn't suit their needs. But I guess a point comes in life where you have to be honest with yourself about what you want. And be strong about knowing that you want and deserve that. It's v hard to convince yourself of the deserve part because your prior experience has always been the one where noone made you feel like you do. That's a shithole man. But gotta dig yourself out. And you don't have to be an achiever to deserve it. I used to base my self worth on accomplishments too but I realise it's wrong. I have worth inherent in me because I'm nice, I'm caring and I'm loyal. But more than that, I'm v accepting and non judgemental and that's always a plus. Slowly as I have reached a point where I've realised it, I've also healed and I'm aware of what I should get. The one thing I like about myself a lot is my belief in other people and knowledge that they too can change and become better. Maybe that's why I don't leave anyone behind, as long as I'm sure they are trying I'll be right there to also help them along. There needs to be a balance in that approach ofc. My needs also should be met and they have to give me that. It's the one thing that's slowly coming around too though. I'm more or less at ease with everyone in my life and I've found my voice and I don't shy away from saying what needs to be said. 

I guess that's why faith and belief is important. To know for sure that you are deserving is a huuuuge fucking battle to overcome when you have no start point. But slowly as you grapple with these thoughts, the way forward does become clear. Even in the dark moments, you have a find a way to continue, or rest if you must but not quit. Things do work themselves out well. 

I don't know what the future holds but for the first time I'm also not scared of it. I know there's no point in being fearful. I fully believe in the fact that what's meant to stay will find its way because that's the beauty of the universe. It puts you in spots but it also brings you to some treasured interactions and people and some of those people become family. It's a nice thought. 

And all said and done, one has to learn to honor and value the people that are good to us and not just take it for granted. That's the thought which was grim in my mind all of Jan... That if I had died I'd have died never even having had the validation of a simple hello. As dramatic as it is, it's true. If something had happened to me, I'd have perished not feeling like I matter. And there are certain finalities one cannot come back from no matter how much we try, so doing the right thing in the moment is important even if it seems trivial. 

I will not let my life come down to this point again. I refuse to be the victim of peoples' past trauma and baggage like it doesn't make sense to me to be hurt for shit I didn't do. Oddly enough I'm confident now that it wouldn't. Something inside me just unknotted and released and I understood in that moment that I'll have all I want and it'll come to me on its own. And I will only give my heart and my loyalty to someone who earns it the right way. Non negotiable. 

That thought makes me smile and genuinely look forward to life and all the adventures that will come my way. :)