I'm also tired of seriousness and heaviness, I want to be happy, have fun, work hard and generally look forward to things. Just been feeling so bummed out these days. Like on some days I just feel a sense of sadness by evening. 

Just want the sun to shine again. Probably have to take steps to ensure that life feels more streamlined. I can't control anything else or anyone else. And I don't want to be weak or make decisions out of a sense of fear. And I won't. But until it feels better I have to manage this unsettled feeling inside of me. 

So much of my life I spent under the fear of loss. I'm just tired of it now. And I don't want to be afraid. I'm also tired of feeling like I have to always be doing the right thing or earn some value. The conversation I had with M gutted me. Literally. To think that my life came to a point where I had to ask for something so simple and be denied it for no reason just made me feel so, so, so bad. Is it fair to me? No. Fuck no. He should have not only been happy but also excited and glad he has someone like me by his side. That's god's honest truth. Instead I get treated like I have no value. Yet again, someone I've been good to, done right by... Just shows me no value. Every person I've been good to. Eventually leaves me at this point. And there's not a single thing I did to them that can be construed as wrong. And a whole lot of other manipulative, mean folks ... They get to do as they like. Lol. I hate it. I truly do. But I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just can't be. You don't want me? Ok. Go. I don't want anything from you, or anyone else. I never did earlier either, except just some niceness. Fuck it. If the goal is to always show me that my littlest expectations are to be denied me, then I shall simply not have any from you. And it'll be fine. This isn't an existential crisis you or anyone else needs to solve for me, I'll do it by myself. 

I search for a sweet, simple life. To have someone decent by my side, to be happy, to make them happy. That's all. Nothing complicated, nothing insane. Just decency, love and stability. Step by step I'll build back to how I want things to be. Atleast I've started and that's always the hardest step for me. Rest should happen in due time. Until then, I guess I just have to be busy.