Icky

Fears are funny, aren't they? I huffed and puffed at M a lil bit. He just... Idk sometimes he just takes things in such a wrong way. Like an interpretation that isn't even in my mind when I'm asking. And it bothers me a little bit because it's exactly how my mom also acts and ugh I just find it so so so hard and stifling when someone has a tendency to completely misunderstand my point and immediately start to strike. Like why is it their go to move? 

I've spent half my life just trying to battle this random inherited fears I've gotten from my mom. Fears that make me feel so helpless. Every shitty fear I have - not being loved, being trapped in a marriage with a person who doesn't love you or refuses to love you the way you feel secure, not being sure if the person you choose has your back... Allllll of this shit. It comes from her. 

And some days with M... It's like... So much of his behaviour just... Idk dude. Like I'm not scared of him or anything but I feel like... I feel like he lacks consideration towards me to be honest. Like okay... He never asks about me or says anything sweet to me... I let it go. But when on top of never showing me care in his words, when he then takes offence at something random I just end up thinking what the fuck yo.  Like even his random decision to not say hi. It... Idk man... It pushed my mind into this horrible place okay. And I want to be honest to myself what it was. The idea that he can be friends with all these folks - people who tell women streamers they can see their nipples, and they want to put a dog collar over them... People who run literal prostitution rings of sorts while being educators, people who tell 62 to women I want to see you kneeling in a room of 50 men. A statement that honest to god is the worst that I've ever heard in my life. Like... The idea that he can be on talking terms with all these people, group chats with their random buddies who he has never known or met and yet... Ugh... Idk. Like what awful thing does he think about me that he can make those choices but refrains from saying hi to me? Is it my colour? My nationality? My gender? A mix of all three? Idk man... I really don't want to think that he has elements of prejudice of this nature but I mean. I don't get what else it could be. And this thought just makes me sick honest to god. Like the very idea is so unbelievably repulsive. And it's so gutting to even realise that it could be this. I think I keep flaring up at him too because I hate that mistrust and it makes me in turn be suspicious of him and ugh. I hate all of it. 

I should not be in a position where I need to even wonder this stuff about someone. Lol. 

I always thought a day could arrive in my life that someone could look down on my race or make me feel like they do or something. I just never in a million years thought it would be him who would make me wonder this. It's the first time in my life that I've had to and idk everything inside me is just shrivelling up and feeling icky. And he didn't even care when I brought it up to him, even though I didn't specify why I felt so gross. He just dug in and said feel better etc and it was all so cold. 

I don't know what to make of any of this. Even if it's not any of this, it was still not right of him to behave the way he did and definitely very unfeeling to be so inconsiderate and for what? For something so small and tiny like. 

At the end of the day... The only question left to ask myself is - 

Do I need to settle for being treated like this? Do I want to? Do I want to constantly be made to feel like I'm insignificant?

No. I don't. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 

Fuckz I hope I'm wrong about all this and it's something else that I haven't thought of that's not this fucking awful man. Ugh. But I still should never ever be in a position where I have to wonder if the person I've spent two years talking to thinks I'm sketch yuck yuck yuck. Also, he can't be that sketch either come onnnn P. Don't think this about him. Don't distrust him to this extent or think he is capable of this shit, it might be some other things that you don't know of, just this once give it the benefit of doubt. You always chose to trust him, just don't give up on that now and for this of all things. 

Ugh... I need this thought to get out of my head.

Sometimes I even wonder if he is terrified of opening up to me because the idea that I may actually  be a good person who won't fuck him over that's hard to come to terms with. Lol. It's like he just expects to be fucked over somehow god knows why. Well, I can't do anything about this. Lol. For all I know he must just be doing his holiday inn rounds and here I am thinking he changed. Haha, yeah who knows? Maybe I'm just a complete idiot. 

Fuck dude. Why do you make things so weird and hard? Life should be simple and lived simply not spent wondering about peoples' I'll intentions all the fucking time.