I start to feel very down in the dumps if I don't do cardio. Took a two day break and I'm so morose now. Why does it feel like a lifetime has passed since my bday when it was barely two weeks back. Idk, feels like time has crawled to a halt and I'm just moving slowly. And I suddenly just feel... unlike myself. I'm just going through all the motions I have to, but my heart's just not in it. In anything to be honest. Lol, I'm a zombie 🧟‍♀️

Plus periods are also looming so deffo going to feel a bout of misery there too. Damnations. 

I saw a vid of pewds pop up on my feed and omg he is a dad now. That's crazyyy. And such a cute kid he has, a v happy, calm one. I like to see how people start to define meaning in their lives though the families they build. I don't think you need to have kids necessarily to define it. But you should definitely pick a person you love and respect both and who loves and respects you. I think all the rest...the noise, people, the world outside... All of that can be dealt with if you have that one solid person by your side. And you know... That feeling of home and comfort and stability only comes by when you can just relax and trust the person you are around. No games, no bullshit, just knowing in your bones that they'll have your back and you mean a lot to them. The right sort of friends and lovers always make you feel that way, stable within you, no need for pretence, your vulnerabilities all safe in their vault. I know the time is approaching for me to find the person too and I'm hoping I do in this year and the next. I'd like to be in a stable, happy relationship now. Hopefully the right stuff comes my way. I won't be able to settle for just anyone, I know that for sure. So here's hoping I get lucky. Two things I'm certain of - I want to be shown value and I want to be shown care. I think that's why I've been so selective, I've simply never felt safe and comfortable with people but I'd like to now. Whatever hardships and heartbreaks have come my way, the one thing they have finally taught me is that these are the necessary ingredients for every meaningful equation. And I take that to heart now. I hope in a couple of months I feel ready enough to start dating new people. Rn, I don't have the desire or the mood but atleast by mid this year I need to push myself to get out more, meet new people and see how that goes. Well, atleast mentally prepping myself. Hopefully the zombie mode will also wear off by then. Maybe by M's bday. That would be a good timeline. Okay May 15th it is. Hehe, hopefully I look forward to it by then. Funny thing is I'm so tired and drained by recent events that I don't have the energy to make an effort for anyone anymore. So in a way that's good, cuz the other person will have make some for me for once. Lol, wonder what that feels like... Atleast hope they see me as an actual person, and want to actively talk to me. Wonder if that's asking for too much effort haha. 

The bar is on the fucking floor. 😝

Fuck, how did my life come down to this point that I even have to ironically state this? Like wtf. Lmao. Never value someone who deliberately makes you doubt your own worth. Damn you M. I have no clue why you chose to hurt me like that. I was always so good to you, and you couldn't even keep your ego aside and wish on my bday. So mean spirited and stingy of you. 

Oh well. I don't need to think about stuff like this cuz it's not happening again. First and last time I make room for that. I honestly know a lot of people do love me and respect me and genuinely like having me around. I won't doubt that ever again. And I know once it clicks, it'll stick. :)