I used to have such a good faith take on life earlier. Now I feel a jaded. Heh. Need to be like a duck out of water, just shake shake shake it all off. Hehe. 

A good idea is to wait and see who is genuinely nice to you, and match their energy and effort. I think I'm going to live by this from now. I don't know why I hadn't for so long tbh. Okay well I do know. It's good that feeling is in the past now, and I'm finally choosing to do right by myself. Like eating vegetables haha. At first it feels sucky but then you realise how wholesome it is and how shitty processed food is. Heh. Yeah well... It'll be good in the long run. Plus no reason in the woooorld would be good enough for me to willingly hurt someone I love, let alone withstand knowing I'm the cause of it for someone I care about. Aaand do nothing about it. So why should I ever settle for someone who didn't and doesn't hold me in the same regard? They weren't worth care on my part. Or any consideration, really. Should have said goodbye that first week when they kept snapping at me tbh. Guys who raise their voices at women are never anything but a red flag. Esp when they don't even apologise ever. You don't really want to find how how abusive they might be in the end. What a colossal piece of shit, truly. I have literally no positive thought left for this person. All I wonder is why I ever had any in the first place. My bad. I honestly just believed the whole I'm a child of divorce etc nonsense man. So stupid of me. Complete lies through and through. People like this will try to convince you they treated you badly because it's your fault, like those wife beaters who hit women then say I wouldn't have if you didn't make me. Somehow it'll always be some excuse in lieu of decency. Anyway blah. Idc anymore so all this is moot. 

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Found some yt chess channel that's actually funny for once too. Made me laugh soooo much. Called a game by anderseen 'the good adolf' like wtf yo. And some clip on neimann which was super funny too. Good humor. I love witty people. The thing I noticed about this is how the personality of the person doesn't override the work they do. I love that. It feels like they are a part of the bit, but it isn't about them alone. Restraint is a key part of being an artist, knowing not to block your own way and honouring work above yourself is something I find meaningful. Speaking of neimann I'm actually finding that he is earning my respect day by day. I used to feel a loooot of empathy for him, but now I feel so much respect too. For such a young guy, to have had such a bad hand of cards dealt... Doing it all by himself and actually breaking into the top ten in the world. That amount of effort is immense and so is the resilience. And for someone so young and who comes across as unlikeable. Hmmm. I guess if he learns to play nice where needed he might be able to turn perception around. He actually does seem to have empathy even though not too articulate about it. Still, who knows. Let's see. I guess I don't particularly care for anyone in this chess world but he definitely is someone I felt empathy towards. My bias against injustice is always at play huh. Well, I believe in redemption and rehabilitation and that people deserve a chance to turn things around. I get the moral dilemmas in not wanting to play nice with people who you think are out to get you as well. I would have haaaated to bend the knee to someone who I felt was doing wrong to me. I wouldn't do it tbh. 

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Bday in a few days and I'm actually looking forward to it. I have this low key happiness now in general. I hope it only grows and takes good solid root. Well, I shall try to protect it and keep it close. Man, it took a whoooooole world of absolute bad choices to get to this point huh. No worries... Just have to build on it hereonout. 

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Ooo Sadler commentating knight odds game now. I thought it was for day after. Yaaay I can watch while working out woohoo. Maaaaan. I just really, really feel nice being part of a respectful space. Where people are smart and low key funny but nothing is ever disrespectful.   Haha and my username always makes him laugh cuz it sounds like he is greeting himself lmao. Funz. And so many respectable folks come to hang with him, they all respect him so much.Heyy even Larry Kaufman is there how nice. Love it. Hard to find these spaces on the internet. Nerds are the best man. I really do appreciate it ngl. Always good to learn new stuff. So many genuine and cool people out there.