Catch 22

Where is the world even going man? This is just terrible. Was sickening to watch that gesture. I am speechless... 

Zuck is jewish too, right? Damn dude. Imagine witnessing that irl shit.

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And now I see this salute and it makes me sick to my stomach because the idea that the world is a lot more fucked up than I ever imagined is looming all too clearly in my mind. I want to keep my distance from any and all toxicity from now. I will not now, not ever engage with someone who isn't respectful to me or neglects to treat me with care, and presents bullshit reasoning to boot. 

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I am trying to have a good faith take on things lately. But some days it's very hard when you see how much ugliness can and does exist in the world. Having been subjected to what felt like racism these past few years. Realising that it was through no fault of mine, I simply existed and was just nice to a person and they saw fit to hurt me and treat me like shit juuuuust so easily is very eye opening. When I think about it, all I did was be nice. And yet this person chooses to be around people who use words like holes, people who insult women old enough to be our mothers, people who just go around saying the most vile, unhinged stuff to women streamers all because they can hide and do so. These are the people that don't make him uncomfortable at all. Lol. I guess he must be exactly like them. Hurting women is right up his alley anyway, as is being mean and dismissive of their feelings. He sure as shit was cruel when mine were hurt. But then got off on it by reading about it all I suppose. Lol. Idk. I used to have this naive belief then people are mean only when you hurt them. But after knowing him I realised they are mean sometimes without cause, but just so they can feel good about themselves. To think that this is a workplace he talks of so proudly for which he gave me that crap reasoning of oh I met you on here. Like he hadn't met all these others folks he keeps close there. Lol. But the racism is juuust reserved for me. Proud of a place where his best friend goes around using racial slurs and what does he do? Take 5-10 bucks as compensation. What a way to earn money man. Sick. Is this the stuff he is so proud of, so protective of? Well, he is welcome to it. I don't get why he is so surprised when people think of him as a supporter of things like this saluting dude, when your own choices are exactly the same and none of these things make you uncomfortable. But lying to me, being mean, being dismissive, hiding women from me, acting superior, pretending to hate cheaters, ignoring the few things I say about me, but then coming around to read them behind my back, talking about his own ankle hurting when my grandmother is breathing her last but never once asking about her... All that he is comfortable with lmao. I suppose if I had mentioned it, he would have given the same old... Oh I was busy. Updating statuses and playing a silly game of bullet right. That's what's important. Lol. Idk man. People are nuts. 

When someone said he hit on a minor, it was one of the worst things I'd read, esp about someone I barely knew. Yet, I took time and then gave benefit of doubt. Then spent hours not only listening but choosing to be nice and never holding it against him. And yet, the people he chooses to be close to are guys like his friend who not only came around to make fun of it in front of literally everyone, he also chose to change his username to hide the fact that he talks to him. Where is the loyalty or decency in that? Is that the kind of friend he can be talking to and be on group chats with? Well, he is welcome to those people too. It's his own choice at the end of the day. And the discomfort line is reserved for me lol. I've never once been nasty publicly or privately nor would it ever occur to me to do so. Go figure. 

Should really be honest with himself and realise how trashy the sum total of all these choices are. I have never once seen someone who makes worse ones. NPD at it's finest. It would be a travesty if he didn't have NPD actually, because that simply means he knowingly behaves this way. Wow. Heh. Well, atleast NPD prevents accountability so I suppose he can put a spin on it and somehow pretend it's someone else's fault or mine or whatever. One must always have excuses and justifications, so we can pretend we are righteous. Just so sad. 

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Hmmm. Oh well. Heh. Even this term his friend used like something clever he was doing in my vicinity right. I so wouldn't notice. Whatever. 

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People who love us won't always be there. Life doesn't give take backs too often. But if all we do is cause pain and double down on it... It can't be shocking when people leave us for good. I'm sorry for whatever turned him into this person tbh. I don't have any anger or animosity left. Being protective of stuff doesn't give him the right to hurt me or be nasty. I don't care what happened or who fucked him over, if at all anyone did or whatever. It was never me, and that's all that matters. Can't just be some immature person that lashes out forever sorry. Take responsibility for your own shit and the nonsense you do. Or don't. I guess some people can't and he might be one of those too. Just a sad realisation that I have to accept that this is who he is and who he will always be. 

And watching this shit show of a salute and all of the grime I see I just feel like enough is enough. I cannot make room or come up with excuses for someone who not only isn't nice to me, but who can withstand causing me pain and even willingly do it. Keep your ego and excuses and whatever delusional castles you choose to build to youself, I don't care for them. All to keep on sheltering and keeping close random folks who write shitty things. Lol. Good shit. 👍

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I actually just don't see anything decent in him tbh. I kept trying but I don't. Just a mean person. Lol. He couldn't even acknowledge a tiny story I wrote, I suppose that too was to be nasty. Came here and read it though. Tf dude. Seriously. What is even wrong with him? Lol. Makes me laugh tbh, cuz it's just so weird to do that. And these smaller things always stick out, as do the larger ones. I would never in a million years have sat around playing an online board game if someone in his family was ill and he wanted to talk about it. Or any problem really. I would never even treat people I dislike with that much unkindness. The fact that he could do it to me speaks volumes. Even now, if he actually needed me, I would be kind. Heh. The irony huh? I needed a small favour for my brother and he instantly declined. So why should I be there or be nice ever? I don't owe him that. Well, that's the one lesson I have learnt. I guess it takes someone treating you like absolute shit to realise that hey, you don't actually have to settle for this kinda garbage treatment and you sure as shit don't have to make excuses on their behalf. And that you should just walk away. Why give more opportunities to them to be mean further? When people show you their true colours believe them. This is something I need to live by henceforth. 

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~> this is a world where it's fast becoming normal to openly show bigotry. Where people are championing the worst causes, women are sleeping with 1000 dudes just for attention and men are reaching lows that are morally bankrupt and how. Finding your own footing, holding ground, and opening the door to only people that can bring genuineness is the only way to keep atleast your own inner sanctum safe and at peace. There are enough battles out there to fight, but your own mind and home should be a place of peace and serenity. Something to come back to with happiness and excitement. Hehe. Yeah. These are ideals I will hold on to and the kind of future I wish to create for myself. I guess that's why I'm not angry anymore... I do not wish to carry forward negativity or baggage. So let's just say I forgive it all, the past and mistakes and the stuff that might have been oversight and paranoia and allllll the bs. Yeah. Fuck it. Let's let all the nonsense go from now. Deep breath, and release. 

To resilience, to happiness, to love.

Cheers.