I guess it's just a bad strategy to just see life as split milk lol. Split milk makes cheese first of all, so it isn't all bad. But secondly, I think part of self care should be that. To have an optimistic outlook that comprises of many parts that make up the whole. I have denied myself that care for a very long time I suppose. Maybe it was a bit of a scarcity mindset. Compounded by being around people who reinforced it in their actions. It's hard when something nasty is reflected back at you and you keep framing that as evidence of its all encompassing permanence. 

But anyway, I'm not spending my life in that perpetual dance of trying to squeeze out relevance or affirmation. I guess I was kinda locked into that battle in a way. Constantly weighing stuff to see if it fits or not. Hmmm. Well, if you have to do that then the answer is no it doesn't. And there's no harm or foul in that. It just is. 

I want simple things, I always have. Even today, I do not look for avenues for materialism it's more... Hey look someone is doing something cool, solving some nice problem can I be a part of that? I want to be around things and people that add to my life in that meaningful way. 

I'd lost sight of my inner nerd. Haha. I should do better for myself. And choose myself. Don't go down roads that leave you feeling spent, used and empty. Noone is that special, or unique or anything else... That they can justify making you feel that way. I don't want to tabulate exactly how less special someone is yada yada cuz that goes into the territory of spitefulness. But yes, a tennis clip is not of more importance than a grieving person. As a functional adult you should know that. Neither is online gaming. Nor are you sooooo special that someone wants into your life despite your protestations. I knocked on the door fair and square, I didn't worm my way in like he did, behind my back and hidden from sight. That's the difference between us. I don't backstab. But I will forgive it all if he ever actually chooses to genuinely apologise. Haha. That would be a task and how. I don't think he would be able to do it, given his track record. But let's see.

It's been a month and a half almost since I gave up speaking and well, I never heard anything either. So I bring it to a close because this is not what I want for myself or the kinda presence that I wish to nurture in my life. I will make room hereonout for genuineness, and an honest attempt at that. With that, I discard all the negativity and burdensomeness I felt this past three years. Holy heck. 3 years of my life he took. And not a single... How are you doing? Hahah. Wow. I really did settle for rock bottom eh? Heh. 

Banish ye meanness, I have no room for it no more!!! Heh. But go in peace, and take care. 🕊️✌️