Looking at the card brother sent me and I just feel a tad bit overwhelmed. It's just such a sweet gesture. As a family we aren't the kinda that express our feelings out loud. But idk. The fact that someone is being kind rn is making me want to cry a lil bit. I really missed this tbh. Hehe. I guess simple things mean the world to me. I can't help but love people who bring care in my life. I'd much rather have these moments than any fancy gifts or something. 

When I share my stories with bro, he actually cares to read them and give feedback and even Maya did that. She was so nice about it. These are all tiny things people do but they have suuuuch an impact. It feels good. I guess that small act of hers also won me over instantly haha. I hope she is as nice as I think she is. I want all of us to just find our forever peeps and have happy, healthy lives. That's my deepest desire. 

I felt a twinge of sadness this bday because I knew it's the second in a row that our man would choose not to wish. But with that twinge also came the realisation that he is just mean for doing that. 

Well, I will keep this thought at bay for the most part. It hurts me, yes. The knowledge of having been treated so awfully hurts me. I won't deny it. But I think it's best to forget it happened and move forward. I do wholeheartedly wish and pray I never ever meet someone this mean again. I don't want to be on the receiving end of emotional abuse, enough. Because that's what all this amounts to in the end. :( Fuck dude. A single card just brought me to tears because it's one small sweet gesture that made me feel nice after so damn long. Your needs for acknowledgement can't be soooo deep that you can't actually step outside yourself to showcase some decent gestures sorry. Not acceptable at all. It's too pathetic. Can't spend life just wanting someone to look at some tennis there's plenty of people who play well too, like come onnnn. This can't be the only conversation you are capable of. 🙄

That psychologist lady was right yo. With narcissists you'll be so deprived of humanity that a tiny nice gesture starts to look like a godsent lmao. I actually feel bad for all those women who used to come by angry and crying. I get it. I get how much he must have invalidated them and hurt them. Well, I hope they know it's not their faults it's just him who is the problem. Narcissism or cowardice or whatever it may be, it sucks is all. 

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Hmmm. I wanted to be mad about it but I'm not anymore. I'm just really tired of having to bear the brunt of what honestly still just feels like pure racism. I feel terrible about that. More so cuz he is like one of those yters who pander to Indians to get views. What a con dude. I just hope one day he has a moment of honesty and just realises what a shitty person he is. Spending life playing a board game and just being awful outside of it is so sad tbh. There is zero value in that. If he didn't have the game then who would he be? Is there any value in being that person? People who are the best at this game are a lot nicer. The world is filled with people who work hard and are good at what they do, solve interesting problems and try to do their best. It's not that rare.🤷‍♀️ But if the only thing you are exceptional at is being mean to people...That's not much to write home about. And after alllll this time.. this person couldn't bring themselves to be nice to me on their own even once. Not once. That's a fact. Ugh. Maybe I am a little mad haha... Well, if you pull shit like this in perpetuity who wouldn't be? Pathetic, truly truly pathetic. 

I guess I did genuinely care about him though. I won't lie to myself about that.  Is this really the person your parents raised you to be?  Why tf did I have to come across such a person man. It's sooooooo cowardly to not be able to do anything on his own like just crawling into some hole and hoping it gets better. Or idk go on tinder and rinse and repeat. That too is more likely. That lol was also some useless attempt to pretend like haha joke don't get mad. Whyyyy such lack of spine? 🤯 Soooo much insecurity. Sheesh. 

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Anyway hard as it may be to forgive, I should. It's time for me to let it go. I don't want to be stuck in a spot where I just have to keep feeling the brunt of it. It's just hard to like... To know someone was racist towards me so repeatedly. That doesn't sit well with me, true. But let us attempt to wipe the slate clean. People who love me, will always choose me so let me allow for that to occur naturally. Heh. After all this also I don't hate him. I'm just simply not willing to be around someone who not only acts like a cheater, but simultaneously isn't able to show any niceness or equality. Keep that shit to yourself.

For now, I'm just gonna look ahead and keep doing things that make me feel productive. I'm sure by the end of this year I'll be where I want to be as well. Looking forward to it. 

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