Bittersweet

This thing with L brought back so many memories and events of our time together. While significant, I cannot unsee the selfishness and dramaticness that tinged all of it. 

Maybe chalking it up to early adulthood might be useful in explaining it but I don't know. The way she treated SH... Who loved her so much. How disposable she made him. All those fights and him having to make up all the time, all the times she cheated on him, dangled other guys in front of him, and then finally when he broke it off, promptly went back to S to stick it to him and screwed S over too. 

It was all so wrong. Both these guys were my close friends and seeing them treated this way was quite awful. And yet, noone would call this behaviour out to be the shit show it was. We were so weird about just accepting this nonsense. And she had no qualms about screwing everyone over whenever she wanted to. Stuff like this is why today I find myself not reaching out. I don't hate her anymore maybe. The gravity of what she is facing has settled in and has more or less removed a lot of my anger towards her too. But do I forgive any of this? I don't think so. 

And I find myself thinking... Do I ever want to be in a spot where I get jerked around like this? No. I do not. She even used to keep them hanging, and not reaching out herself but wanting others to, and if asked why... It would be the same ' I got busy ' etc. Attempting to levitate herself above others I suppose. I never realised that this is just a mask for low self esteem then. But now I see all this behaviour for what it is. Abusive. Abusive to partners and close ones. The only one she was actively unable to manipulate was her husband and I know the reasons why. 

And many other weird things too...how she wants to keep saying she is the best at everything despite just being normal and average and most importantly... How deceptive and image driven she was. She was one of the first people in my life that I truly cared about, but to now see her as a completely selfish, self serving person who only left a trail of destruction behind her... It makes me ask myself... Do I want a person like that in my life ever again? No. I do not. People like this are ghoulish and best avoided. It's such a harsh take but it's an honest one too.  And it's quite possibly the first time in my life I'm actually allowing myself to not get swayed by the waves of horridness that keep washing over me from time to time. Feels very bad to be honest. 

~

If all you do is treat someone badly... The only thing you end up being is a lesson in who to avoid. 

Everyone eventually figures it out, and noone wants to put up with it at the end of the day.