Everytime I think about L, it shatters my day all over again. I told M about it too, didn't say much but mentioned it. Didn't really expect him to say anything anyway. 

Anyway, idk. I guess it's life? What can we do in any of this except just deal with it? I'm not even sure what I feel anymore. I don't have any anger towards her, mostly cuz it just feels pointless now. 

That's the thing with getting older, life seems more and more finite. It's something I've always been aware of, but never as acutely. I just want the best for everyone I love. I do. I want them to be happy and prosperous and have a purpose. I guess that's why I reached out to this boy also. He is such a child and gets so bullish about so many things and part of me wants to scold but mostly just wants him to understand some fundamental truths which I feel he hasn't yet gotten round to understanding. None of us know how long we have. He told me I was being too serious when I said I want to stay away if he didn't want to talk to me, I wasn't. I understand how precious little time we all have and while I might be simple and direct, I cannot and do not want to tank equations and friendships on whims nor do I seek to hurt someone but I fucking need solidity. Idk, blah. You can only take a horse to water I guess. But maybe it is a privilege and he must have had a pretty lucky life if he can be so cavalier with people too. That in itself is a privilege to me. I guess it is what it is. You do you man. I don't grudge you or anyone else the privilege of being flippant because it means sad parts of life have never touched you. But I am acutely aware of a lot of them and that's why people are precious to me. Maybe someday you'll understand me enough to get that.

~

Ugh. My friend mocks me saying you were so proud of booting all the toxic folks in life only to include the most toxic person ever and choosing to believe they are good. I hate that. And from the bottom of my heart I hope and wish that you prove them wrong and that this one time my trust in someone isn't misplaced.