It's strange how certain things serve to give you perspective on life. Like it's so bizarre. Two of my friends found out about L's diagnosis. Immediately bombarded me with questions about it. 

And I now I have to withstand any incoming questions about reaching out to her etc because people knew we were close. I decided not to, and I don't want to share the reasons why because it doesn't feel right to torch her reputation as a justification to strangers or to let them into a part of life and reasoning that I simply do not want to revisit. Nor do I want to intrude on her family at this time, her mum in particular must be extremely devasted and would want to know why I chose to leave and I simply can't tell her the truth. 

It's such a singularly strange position to be in, because people just end up wanting you to either behave a certain way or want to know what your reasons are for not wanting to.

Simply leaving it alone or understanding how it feels is a no go for a lot. My feeling and past are mine to protect and I do not like intrusions from people I'm not close to, yet telling them that becomes some very strange thing which I simply do not want to do. It's so fucked up man. On top of it, I am legitimately devastated about it. The more I read about Leukemia, the worse it gets and I just can't imagine how tough this is going to be. Fuck dude. 

There are so many crossroads in life. And it's so hard for me to pick my own side, especially as on the other side there's a person I have cared about so deeply. I can't in good conscience be there or reconnect knowing I don't actually want to be in this person's life. It's my fault for always picking people who don't care about me maybe. A very bad mistake on my part, but at the time I didn't know it was a mistake. Hmmm. Even now, I think I do make that kind of a mistake. I should, to the best of my ability atleast, keep a distance from people I don't like. And even if I like them, I should hold back till there's a genuine established give and take between us. I want to nurture strong bonds but they need to be two way. 

Why does growing up mean having to take hard calls? I don't like it. It just sucks man. But it's best to attain a balance where you feel nourished and not cornered. Heh. I guess half my life I used to feel like I had to hide my feelings and keep them to myself purely cuz it felt the same as being cornered. And I would get all territorial about them cuz I didn't want anyone to see me vulnerable. How sad. Even now... I'm not telling anyone other than M how I feel, but the fact that a person has hurt me so much and most noone even knows it, is just me being territorial about my vulnerability that I wish not to share with anyone other than my close circle. I'm glad I have them and I don't have to ever hide anything from them.

Anyway, I will try my best from now. Idk what else to say or do also now. Just wishing the best for her mum and dad. My heart breaks thinking about how horrid it'll be for them and that's what actually hurts me the most tbh.