"Really toxic babysitting" - it's what that lady said about narcissists and I'm inclined to agree. 

I feel like anytime you end up dating someone who has npd or bpd or any of the cluster Bs, you need to ask yourself a very fundamental question - why did you feel so badly about yourself that you chose to be around this person? 

I've been pondering this lately. With so many people in my life I ended up putting up with so much nonsense without walking away and for what? I used to always just think people are nice. And it took me ages to come around to the idea that it's not true. It didn't help that my mum only modelled selfish behaviour and I came to accept that in people a lot more than others do maybe. 

If roles were changed and it was me who got Leukemia or something life threatening... How would it feel to know that up until then I was being hurt or that people around me don't care about me or haven't bothered to check up on me? Lol. It would be horrible dude.  

What a depressing line of thinking man. Seriously. It feels very soul sucking. 

~

I felt like telling M also to be nice to me. But then it hit me... Someone potentially dying should not be the reason he has to be nice, and that also cuz I ask. He should have been that way always because I've always been great to him. And that's a fact. Even after I broke the silence this time, even though I should not have to cuz he was the one who acted out... He still is being weird. And I can't take it anymore tbh. It's just too mean and there's just too much devastating shit on my plate as it is. Whatever. He is 41 and he should know how to value someone and how to keep that ego aside for people he cares about, and not be so unreliable and selfish all the time. I'm not going to baby him any longer. I don't want to be dying and realise someone is stuck in their ego never wanting to check up on me. How shitty can you be at times dude. Fuck. Unreal. I have never once treated you badly and you have never once treated me well it feels like sometimes. 

~

Meh..fuck this shit. Fuck being unhappy, fuck all the people who have sucked so far and fuck all the rest of it lol. Idc. I'll be fine and I'll be careful enough to only allow the right sort of people in my world from now. Fuck all the rest they can suck it. Never again am I going to be stuck in stupidity or malice and anyone who tries to subject me to it can also fuck off.