I was feeling so bad about L. And I thought okay life is short let me just say hi to this guy. It's been ages. And then woke up early and saw he was working so checked it out for 2 mins. And there he was... Nicely telling people he has to go for social events. Must be code for getting laid lol. 

I have no words anymore. I feel very betrayed. Heh. 

Idk. A person I used to really love might die. It's been wrecking me so much. All year I have thought about how finite life is. It's so gutting to realise. But what little time we all have, I don't want to spend just being treated badly by people I do my best for and am nice to. I can't unsee any of this any longer. The fact that someone might be hiding me from some girl, or just simply finds it easy to tell me they can't even say hi to me and then just doesn't speak to me for a month and now this. It's so so so bad. I can't pretend like it isn't hurtful. And what's the goal here... to prove I'm not worth a single text, a single phone call, a single email response? And maybe that was the goal. To hurt me. Idk man... You should not be so insecure as to do this stuff. Or whatever it is that makes it so hard for him to be caring. Or the need for this much paranoia and arrogance. But at the end of the day, I'm not looking to be held prisoner at the periphery of someone's life, eventually the hurt caused will simply turn to indifference. And if someone is so resistant to it, then even I don't want it tbh. I've never liked to go anywhere I'm not wanted infact. Funny thing is I only ever said hi to him on my own after months cuz I was sure by then he wanted me to. Otherwise I was happy to pretend to be a boy online and do my own thing tbh. I'm surprised it hasn't turned to indifference already, but I chose to trust him when he tried to show that he is a good guy, cuz he made such an effort to do so. I don't know if it was just an act now lol. I chose to trust the intent but idk now if the intent is just self serving. Because at the end of the day, all the intent etc can just be denied. And what I'm left with us just a person who doesn't ask about me, thinks it's okay to give me silent treatment and in general seems very incapable of actually showing me care directly. It's all in the shadows with plausible deniability. And I fear being in a spot which is like this. These aren't questions I should have or fear for my emotional safety either. But this lack of transparency has kinda taken it's toll too. It's simply not fair to me. And I'm soooo tired. I am. I guess this is the part of me I both love and fear. The part that doesn't seem to quit on people easily. But life should not be about how much you can take before you quit. And if you are the kind of man that can willingly put me in some box to be used as needed, then what does that even make you? And why should I be okay with it? All this just comes across as narcissistic and I know that a narcissist is prone to diminishing and abusing people in their lives. I'm not going through that ever again. And it should not feel like wow how nice everytime some basic niceness is shown to me. I'm done with shitty treatment and I'm not going to allow it any longer. That's just wrong. I'm not obligated to care, it is a privilege not a compulsion. It's funny but a lot of the times I meet people who drive me to indifference and I end up wondering to myself like why? Why was it so hard to be nice when you had the chance? I was always good to you.🤷‍♀️ But I fully acknowledge that I'm at fault here too for sticking around that long when I can see they are being mean. 

~

Hmm. I don't know if I'm objectively right here. And I'm not exactly angry either. I guess I'm just disappointed and a bit sad. I don't think life should be complicated by all this ego. And maybe the intent is not to be vicious either but two years of someone just never asking me a single thing about me took it's toll. That's why it feels like trying to clutch at straws and I mean. The truth is, if he cares about me as a person, wanted me in his life... This would not be how he chose to behave. Men in general are a lot more soft and kind to women. All my friends are. And all guys do know how to do that when they want, except the nasty ones who want to hurt women. I don't know if he falls in the latter category, I sincerely hope not. And I don't think he is either. I think he is just fearful and selfish at times and that clouds his judgement maybe, and then he simply doesn't know how to fix stuff. That is possibly the problem, him just not knowing how to fix stuff lol. But he is 41 and he should have learnt by now. Anyway, it is how it is I guess. I am releasing myself of this burdensome feeling and I'm going to not be angry at him or anything. Life is too short for that too lol. It's best not to have grudges and it's best to keep things simple and tidy. In the end, I feel like life has a way of restoring balance in one way or another and it will.

It's not possible for me to ever love a man who tries to strip me of my dignity or who doesn't provide the kind of respect and loyalty I seek. I can put up with a lot, but a safe haven, that's built on a firm foundation of care and respect and consideration is all I want and I know now that my heart will not allow me to ever suffer indignities, I'll simply rather be alone than lose myself in an uncaring hell hole. This I'm sure of. 

~

I will say hi this time around, cuz life is short. But I will not pretend to myself anymore that bit by bit this kinda behaviour has chipped away at my sense of safety and security. And long term, I will only be around people who welcome me and actively seek to keep me in their lives. Seeing L and seeing her life makes me want to be nothing like her ever, nor do I want to be in overly dramatic situations or any of that bs. Just peace. 

Until then, que sera sera.