Hmmm.

Today I told him what was on my mind after eons. And midway I was like yeah it's okay he should know and I should also not be afraid of speaking up. Bottling it for months then suddenly spewing it out of the blue is also not cool. It might blindside someone. For once, neither of us got heightened or lash out at the other haha. It gets tough when both folks are emotional about the same thing. Maybe. I guess it comes down to safety also. In blaming him, and choosing not to communicate I was denying myself a sense of safety. And in anticipation of a torrent of emotions it probably threatens his. Lol. A clusterfuck. Truly. 

Heh. I don't know man. I think it's not wrong for me to expect a ' glad I know you too ', happy you are in my life etc. Because I do express care cuz I genuinely do otherwise I'm also detached and can be. So it's up to him really. The parts where I need to feel good is for him to take the lead on. 

But anyway, as for the rest of it... I think I'm just gonna let go of all expectations and let things flow on their own. A genuine equation has to arise out of genuine fondness and a desire to be close, everything else is simply control and coercion and that's not good for anyone. So let me just stay in my lane and focus on being happy and grounded. I want niceness and consideration, I'm happy to offer the same in return along with transparency and openness. If he brings that to the table, great. If not, I'll keep the space open for whoever naturally fits in there. But I'm not going through life feeling unacknowledged ever again. I'd like to experience wholeness and wholesomeness and if I'm making as much effort in being understanding, I suppose fairplay states the other person also does their bit. 

Plus my litmus test in the end is simple - is this person showing behaviour that I'd be okay exposing a child to? That's been a good north star to understand what is right treatment v what is not. I don't care if I never have kids but I will not spend my life around people who treat me badly. Friends or otherwise. I think that much should not be off the table. 

I don't take any of this lightly. 

Anyway, let me not get carried away and label stuff and take it on faith this one last time that it was simply avoidance that made him that way and that he understood what I said and will make the necessary changes. If not, then 🤷‍♀️

Whatever else happens, happens. 

Que sera sera. That's a fucking good motto to follow.